Life as I know it now
For Female Survivors, Male Survivors
The magnitude of my grief seems enormous, extensive and gigantic to put it gracefully. The depth of sadness, heartache, mourning and sorrow that I feel within me seems limitless and without cessation. The passionate nature it deplores gives me an immediate sensual awareness of palpation, sensation, body memories and feeling of ‘overwhelm’.
My mood creates the impression of descending loss of functionality whilst being faced with the imposition of raw emotions. This transgression appears to emerge swiftly, but surely subtle triggers gave rise to its fierceness?
My task needs to be consciously and vigilantly unravelling the ‘onset’ before it expands densely a-top of me! I can’t see this as plain sailing but do believe it’s achievable nevertheless. I depict it as challenging BUT critical in order to conquer it’s negating intentions. The potentiality of overthrowing this villain is in my impending future.
One thing that I consistently recall is the contemplation of ‘eternal happiness’ once dad stopped his perpetrator inclinations upon me. As simplistic an idea it was to live life outside the cycle of abuse its proven difficult to exclude the long-term impacts of his choice to breach society’s code of acceptable behaviours. The whole conceptualization of my own theory that ‘happiness awaits those who are patient’ hasn’t come to light thus far but could very well be waiting to emerge at any given moment. Being sympathetic, compassionate and kind-hearted to ME is the very first step to MOVE ON whilst replacing the thoughts of “what was” with “what now”?!
I have substantiated again and again a character of strength, determination, courageousness and appreciation for human life. I have come this far so nothing will rupture my inherent skill in overpowering what I call “the black dog” with implicated trauma shared as one.
Each step I take is one further away from my past, and one closer to my future aspirations. With each step I take I breathe easy knowing that karma reached my abuser and I came out being the victor in every way.