South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault & Family Violence

I had a nightmare

For Female Survivors, Male Survivors

Tags: Survivor's Stories

I had a nightmare, it was about some people who were looking after me hugging me, touching and looking after me, they were my friends but it was not as it seemed.

I felt safe and loved but at the same time, they wielded a power, it was surreal, it was an illusion. When they were near I was in a lot of physical pain, like needles in my hands and feet.

They claimed they were there to care for me and promised all sorts of things, nothing was too much. They were all men, they had some control over me, like they owned me, i was frozen and powerless, I could not get away. I had no choice or voice in the matter, thats just how it was.

Over time, the needles feeling got worse, like they were pusing through the skin...but looking closer there were no signs on my skin what was causing it. It was a mystery.

Suddenly I was at some point in the future, and i was talking to "other" people, who seemed neutral and wiser, they uncovered where the pain was coming from and revealed if you looked closely on the surface of the skin there were still after all these years..very tiny scar like blemishes on the top of the skin which lead underneath to a hook or loop. When they came to the surface enough you could pull it out and it was attached to two really really deep long rods that were looped over in an arch at the top. As you removed it, it was slow, and agonising, because they were so long and it caused so much pain when you pulled it out that you screamed/lost your breath.

However i knew inside, there was no other option for removal and ultimately healing..other than pulling it out this way.. I was able to pull some out some by myself. Some friends and other people revealed others i hadnt seen or noticed before and helped me pull them out and deal with the pain.... As much as it hurt, I couldnt deny them anymore, i knew they had to come out or i would go on living in pain. But also.. sometimes as much as I or others got them out, and just as you thought they were all gone, new ones kept surfacing.

Most of them with a (lot of work) came out over time.. but I found I had no choice but to accept that there was always going to be some reminders of them being there, The ones that were left I concluded weren't too bad and i may just have to live with (particularly the ones in my foot) and just "walk" on them and go on regardless.

The people who had put the rods in me, were sick and dying inside themselves when they did it, I realised they too were full of the same needles/rods that got put into me, but they werent aware of them and certainly werent removing them (but rather going about putting them into others).

By James.P

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