South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault & Family Violence

A story from S

For Female Survivors, Male Survivors

Tags: Survivor's Stories

The fear of being bad and feeling guilty and evil

Was a merry go round that lasted 20 years from, xmas 1983-2003 a feeling that I was evil and bad that came directly out of the abuse I had suffered as a child, and would destroy everything I would hold as good.

To feel as if it was true hard and was the loneliest feeling to be on my own because of believing I was a bad person and also as a child.

This was a direct result of being raped and molested as a child by an evil next door neighbour, who saw my innocence and extreme shyness as a weakness to exploit, so he was able to molest & rape me as a child.

probably because people who can't speak and fight well are easier targets and easier for a child molester to rape because they have no voice.

this means the molester would hope nothing is said or ever heard, and as I know they are terrified of being found out and punished this is an evil in a person known as a child molester or paedophile and are not human they don't have this right to be called one.

My molester also saw me leave my mother's side due to just being a child leaving the nest and apron strings, he did see this as something to sympathies and help me to be one of the boy's, but as a opportunity to trap hunt down sometimes in my own home and room with all my family and friends about.

M said it's because they like to own and humiliate there victims, so they scare them to know I can get you anywhere anytime, to think this type of mother fucker lived next door and was right there to trap me and torment me worse than any bully ever did, and he or it hurt me real bad, huge amount of physical pain being raped and having a broken bottom and the physiological and physical scar that would last 20 years.

This sub-human saw me leave the side of my mother and I was a extremely shy kid and social phobic, this means I couldn't speak or fight well, and this evil bastard new I was dependant on my mother, he would have known he has no chance to get to me like this.

And when I was a young teenager going next door to be with the boy's and learn to just be bad and behave like a young man experimenting with drugs at times & alcohol all of which supplied by him, and also his sharing his pornography collection and his tentacles of a paedophile.

only doing one thing to set me up and betray and molest me all of his lies, and when I was in a rebellious stage of my life he turned this normal stage of life into a hell and pain that would wreck my life and take away my sexuality for more than 20 years,

and it had never ever felt good for this long it was just like taking out the garbage, this mother f*** didn't see a boy to take under his wing.

He only saw a boy to betray and rape and treat worse than any bully ever did worse than a dog, and far from what I really deserved as a boy from a bad family life and handicapped.

F*** this mother f***er he is an evil human being & doesn't deserve a name just a 2 letter word, it, and it, if caught or found out would have caved in and been terrified if he had been found out he was raping a extremely shy boy who was also partially disabled due to social phobia and could barely speak or fight with a very thin build.

I bet he would have been seen as ten times worse raping a boy like this and the cops and judge would have thrown the book at this mother f**** and I know this coward would have run like a cowardly dog away from ever being found out.

Its name was, G, a rapist a child molester and evil bastard all the way through and when he dies I know this evil f*** will go to hell good its where he belongs, to do all this and probably more to me and others isn't human, other animals don't treat other animals the same as this, but one form of human does a child molester is evil and deserves nothing but long jail time and no human contact or comfort they and this mother should be in jail for the rest of his evil life, but this country and many others give them so many rights they get and this is a tragedy to protect the rights of the evil they are.

I had inquired to as the court requirements to convict & was told the facts, the police charges have to be laid evidence and witnesses interviewed and I would have to go to court and testify, and known to have a mental disorder and a hellish path that would last up to three years and far from a convincing case, there was little chance to get a conviction.

I spent 20 years alone hating myself hating sex, and so afraid of being bad or evil or even just acting like this.

the feeling of being bad or evil was a lie that stayed with me so long, and was a great source of pain and sadness,

to believe because to feel I was a bad person a merry go round developed.

it was pure hell to feel and I felt everyone could see it, due to social phobia, "I think, they think" and if I sensed that I was to do a wrong thing I would be very afraid.

it is human to be angry or mean to some-one or selfish which is human nature this would set off a myriad of memories that would feel like beat up after beat up of other abusive events, all due to a belief I was a bad person, and along with it would memories of abuse all coming back to me, one after the other.

even just events that were human as a child to be jealous or angry in the past or selfish or just plain acting as a boy would normally do, getting into trouble or even stealing or lying was just hell to remember, it was like this for at least 20 twenty years.

to see myself in tainted eyes.

and the sex I had was awful and like garbage it had never felt good ever ! and was just a disgusting act to play out,

never to be ever used for what it was meant to be for, as a fun act.

but as something to feel bad about and feel as if it was an evil act sometimes due to religious rot that got into my thinking that sex was a sin and you better not look at a girl or you will burn in hell, a false belief, that had stuck for so long at church.

today 2005 it isn't most of the time its quite exciting and does feel good at times.

But it was a burden I had for so long I was evil and bad and I had so many memories of abuse and bad messages it was impossible to feel good about myself.

all I wanted was to be understood in therapy and kill myself,

to get out of the pain it was so scary and awful to contemplate I would do anything to stop it, I found this in 1991 I went to my school at e…… primary school where I felt safe.

after a while a memory came to me as a child at E……… primary school of a lonely boy sensitive and beautiful but very scared, and lonely and sad.

all the sadness came back was so happy to be with my sadness and finally comfort myself in my safe place.

I was very sad and lonely, and a old belief came up I was bad and evil and so sorry for the bad I had done, so sorry to my mother and family,

sorry I had left my mother side as a boy, to god for sinning sorry to my friends I believed I let down, and it was all based on the rape and abuse, an the way this animal turned my life up side down, for only one thing not sex but to just f*** me over and it would run deep into me, the abuse of the terrible night came back xmas 84 and how he turned a drunk boy I was at his hand and it had slipped out in this drunk state that I was sexually interested in my sister, he used this knowledge to turn against me and after he raped me said I could pretend I was my sister and have sex with him and it was a lie that stuck for long time, and he did this to a good sensitive boy lonely and social phobic disabled that he got drunk and he would have known I had no place to go that night on xmas 84 drunk.

I couldn't go home and this paedophile, made me to believe I was in on it a lie that I was a participant and going to pretend he was my sister and that I was going to have sex with him, no way all this was in my thinking.

M at secasa said that rapists do this to make a rape victim believe it is there fault and they were asking for it , this a common pattern of these sorts of evil bastards and is a lie that they do to cover there tracks so they are not caught, I suppose to scare the victims so they stay silent.

and the lie came back to me at the school at e……...

to have this lie in side me was awful and hard to handle,

that I was bad boy, and had a lot to feel bad about the beat ups low self esteem & masacating myself "punishing myself" was very hard and upsetting, all due to a molester.

as a boy and I remembered thinking just at that instant, oh no I made terrible mistake about me as a boy I really was good, and the oh no, I was bad came back into my beliefs again,

and
OH no, I don't want this to happen again, & all of it would return again.

the beat ups were coming into my thinking and they would last another 12 years until I got of again.

it was 12 years in a councilors chair, telling a story of how bad I felt as a child and the negative events of my life but inside me was a feeling that I was all doing this, the memories were just a smoke screen into my bad and evil heart that it really didn't matter what the councilor said, the idea that I wasn't worthy of good or love or friends was there and it would cause so much pain and loneliness.

that to be around people good and friendly would bring up so much pain to remember walking away to be on my own away from good people and be on my own, and it would be sad by myself.

who the hell said I was bad or evil and the lie was the only thing in my mind for so long and the fear of looking at it terrifying and so painful and it would cause me to be alone for most of my life believing there is bad and evil in me I can't hide it everyone can see it and was awful to feel this way.

so I better stay away and be alone I had an evil seed in me, everyone can see it so I better hide it away, and to feel I deserved it all was so hard to contemplate that the fear of opening up all the pain was to be avoided and to this day I don't know how the hell I survived like this I never felt safe for 20 years in this state of badness and evil and all the pain of loneness and beat-ups were a daily event there wasn't anything I did that made me feel good nothing.

if there was it would all be self destroyed next time I felt lonely or sad, that evil bastard started it all and it lasted 20 years alone feeling like scum of the earth and it wasn't that easy to survive as myself.

I was mentally ill now and crippled by social phobia and never felt any love or female companionship no girlfriend no sex no anything just the same routine every day, things were hopeless, nothing mattered I just wanted to die

and be hidden the loneliness unbearable.

I made a deal with myself make myself understood and then suicide and I would be dead and it was over but it wouldn't be if I died I would be in hell and that would be worse than this hell on earth I like to think I was strong for myself and just kept going.

due to this past abuse and then change and then it would just keep on going on and on and on for so long for so matter what I did that was good or a good thing to say or do or to achieve, I still believed I was a bad and evil person and that was it, even to the point of being in church begging for forgiveness and for lustful thoughts and just praying I would get it.

because I was the devils advocate sometimes even satan himself to live like this wasn't anything but hell on earth, one problem would be gone another in its place, and it was like this for twenty years I didn't get one winks sleep ever.

What changed, I think the person most helpful to look at this was M, she gave me a text of the cycle of abuse and was counseling me through SECASA, and I remember I was talking to her and how I was sick of cutting myself up and masacating myself and she said she felt a shiver and I think she may have known the painful cycle I was in.

when she said this I knew thats it I can't hide from this anymore and I was trying to stuff the lie in just to get out of the pain, once I read this text that, there isn't any badness in me or even, promiscuousness events with lusting after my sister.

The text also said of another surviver, who felt she was evil because of her touching her sister inappropriately, and felt she was a evil child and guilty of these events she remembered, but her attacker was an uncle and would use her sexual feelings against her, and almost tell her this is all her doing because she is the one who wants it.

No this was a lie the rapist told her to cover its track to assault her mind to hide the shame he put into her.

Only evil bastards do this sort of sh** and rightly so they should be scared to have these evil lies come out into the open would appall most human beings.

To the acts of lies they spin just so they can molest a child and they have a lot to be scared of and ashamed.

This would make them even more desperate to lie and assault a child also mentally.

But I don't even believe they would feel shame, just evils acts done for there own power over children & adults, male and female and especially the weak or vulnerable.

I was a child disabled with social phobia and a cowardly act of evil was made against me not just sexually but mentally.

so how did the merry go round stop and I started to re-think the abuse and in my life as a child.

once I realized that the lies of the night of the rape and all the terrible mind games played about my own sister, and he used this to make me believe I was joining him as a friend and sexual partner.

How by me telling me him on the night of an the assault that, I had thoughts like this, he instantly turned it on me, as if its was our secret and can pretend with him that he was my own sister and on Xmas 84 he fed me beer and got me drunk and with no were else to go he raped me and I lost all feeling of good in sex and it never felt good after the assault just garbage.

no f***ing way, this bastard only used this info to molest my mind to almost believe I was actively there, a lie ! no I was not I was there drunk because of the beer he shoved at me, and I remember it all the lies he put into my mind as if, we were sexual partners and I was gay and as if I was there to share my sexuality with him, absolutely false.

I was even there to play out any sex on him to pretend he was my sister, no way lie ! his evil to keep me silent.

an evil mind full of lying probably only to protect it-self from the fear of being caught and all to be seen, by humans even its family if his family found out he raped me a disabled child and that he raped me on Xmas 84 his family wound have not thought much of him at all even though they were young rebel types he would have been totally accountable, and probably scuttled like a coward being found out, and run away once the lies came out and the fact I was a boy and social phobic the police would have thrown the book at this bastard, but it wasn't to be known for 20 years.

How does the mental assault apply to me because on the night I was drunk by its doing I mentioned that I had an interest in my sister sexually that never actually happened or was acted upon drunk at his hand.

To confuse me & its evil lie.

No way! was I involved as anything but a victim and a boy terribly shy and with a sensitive kind heart and very beautiful in ways a sensitive good boy, with a crippling social phobic mind and just plain raped and betrayed by a attacker right next door to where I lived.

I was, a shy kid with a flair for acting a huge imagination and a boy just the same as any other, daredevil an observer and a passion to have fun and be a young man trying to grow up and trying to be happy.

the pain that was there under the surface and a lie that I was evil and bad all had to go and all unraveled.

the promise to be understood and check out was canceled, and a much more grim task had to happen.

to let the pain out of being alone, walking away from good people, good females and a life time of staring at the ground never being able to look a female in the eye, and a lot of pain, I must have cried for three weeks straight to think of all the missed good things,

that came into my life and to walk away & just the god awful pain of loneliness and a boy inside needing to heal and know that the nightmare was over and to let it all out.

had to get off, M helped me get rid of the lie and it was just simply a rapists evil put into my thinking.

To me as I even saw the text saying a voice cried out inside , I am no way was a bad or evil boy just abused by a lot a men a next door neighbour a drunk father and bully and a mother who only seemed to lament and shame anything I did as a boy, and to announce it to every-one a relationship that had to die as well, so

I couldn't listen to a broken record and a life she was in, how the hell I lived for so long 20 years without a good night sleep and not even anywhere to go and heal and be helped and sympathised,

I was just lost, and a illness that had to be understood and at times endured.

the god awful loneliness & and a merry go round that I am glad I am off and will never jump on again. M was most helpful to get me changing things today in 2005 I can change a few things around.

I think M wanted me to do a job and wanted me to do something the best I could, to take care myself.

I'm still learning and the boy that I was gone, just memories and a lie that I can change.

The merry go round of beat-ups and a awful cycle of self abuse over and a commitment to stop it at every level from myself.

Today I am S and I am a good person all the way through.

Today I can't say my life is a bed of roses or happy, but I can write that I do have some more choices.

I do understand what it is I crave safety and a girlfriend I can feel good around and feel safe with.

Sex isn't awful or garbage, there still are times I have to not have sex and wait. I'm not sure exactly what I have to learn or how to do it, but I can change things around.

The hardest part of the cycle of abuse, where to go to feel safe, today I push myself to create that with myself.

I ask myself the question how the hell did I survive all alone social phobic and feeling so awful about myself, & so lonely and scared.

I think I was strong and had an enormously strong resilience to pain and loneliness, and I hope it isn't this way for to long and I do think one day I will have a healthy fun and exciting sex life but it won't be, just the same as someone else, I still have issues to work through but I have a few more choices.

The commitments I have today, to stop at all levels the self abuse and believe I can.

The other commitment, to move on and make up for lost time and take care of myself as best I can and try to do it better on a day to day basis.

So there it is M the hardest part is still where to go to feel safe, but I do know today at home.

Sex isn't just the same as some-one else, because I still have scars of a victim of child abuse.

and I still feel lonely and scared at times, life isnt still going to go on with me in it or not.

So I'd rather get on and try to have a happier life. you did say to me last I saw you that you liked to speak to the kids that had just had some evil bastard molest them, and tell them that there safe and that they have nothing to feel scared of, also nothing to feel bad about Nothing ! and they are safe.

I think I would have liked to have heard that when I was a boy at the start, and helped by my family it would have saved a lot of suffering and loneliness.

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