Working with shame, self blame and guilt

Home: Workers: Working with Teenagers & Adults: Working with young males

A whole book could be written about the different effects of sexual abuse on young men. However, I do want to make some brief comments about shame, self blame and guilt, all of which are common. Firstly, I believe that it is important to understand the nature and function of shame as an effect of sexual abuse. From a Gestalt perspective, the survival function of shame is to help us move away, close down and protect ourselves from an environment that is perceived as dangerous or critical (Lee, 1996). Originally, in an abusive context (and in some current contexts), this effect and function may have been useful. However, it may now keep a young man permanently disconnected from aspects of himself and from the environment. Unfortunately, because shame can make us feel unworthy of contact, many young male victim/ survivors find it difficult to receive support and to break the self reinforcing cycle of shame.

In my opinion, one useful way of working with shame is for the counsellor to name and actively respond to shame when they see or sense it arising in the session. Shame can manifest in obvious ways such as blushing, withdrawing or avoiding eye contact. It can also manifest in more disguised ways through changing topics, tensing up, getting angry, blaming others. It may be a trigger to dissociation (Yontef, 1993). By tentatively naming shame when it may be appearing, the young man can then have the important opportunity to learn that shame itself will not be shamed, fixed, judged or avoided by the counsellor (Kepner, 1995). I have noticed how relieved some young men become when they can acknowledge their embarrassment and shame about their abuse, or ways they have coped with the abuse. From my experience this can help reduce a young man's fears of exposure and enable him to deepen his awareness and ability to tolerate shame and be vulnerable. I have also found it helpful to normalise shame and its function, to reflect how painful it can be to feel, and   when the time is right   to help the young man link it back to the abusive, neglectful or cultural contexts in which it developed. This may begin to help the young man separate what he learnt about getting support in his past, from what is available and possible in his current context.

Self blame and guilt can be one of the most challenging and complex aspects of working with young male survivors of sexual assault. In working with young men's sense of self-blame and guilt, I find it helpful to explore its unique meanings. Once the self blame and guilt are out in the open (the young man must feel safe to do this), I can then begin to ask questions that gently explore their function, effects and development. For example: 'What does your self blame do for you?', 'How does self blame strengthen or weaken you?', 'How did you come to see it was your fault?', 'How do you think the abuser contributed to making it feel like you are responsible?' and 'What messages about being a man might contribute to you blaming yourself?'

The function of self blame is incredibly complex and often contains historic adaptive functions for the young man. For instance, by blaming themselves young men may create an illusion of control that helps them to avoid the more painful feelings of grief, anger, powerlessness and despair about the abuse. It may also stop them from needing to seek support. Furthermore, depending on the unique context of the young man's life, some young men may have wanted the affection of the abuser, and have been willing to tolerate the abuse in order to gain this affection. This adds further layers of complexity and confusion for the young man in working through the self blame.

Because young men are expected to be strong and invulnerable, they often do not take into account the unequal power dynamics between themselves and the abuser. I have noticed how many young men feel ashamed and guilty for not being able to stop or protect themselves from the abuse. Because of these issues, I believe it is important to challenge young men about the power imbalances between themselves and the abuser, and to ask how their self-blame is connected to expectations about masculinity. I am indebted to Patrick O'Leary (1998) for his ideas about 'unmasking the politics of power It is also useful to bring to young men's attention the many tactics and tricks perpetrators use to make the victim feel responsible for the abuse.

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