Listening to young men's lived experience and meaning

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To me, understanding young male survivors' lived experience and meaning means doing my best not to let theories and models about sexual assault get in the way of listening to and understanding the unique experience and context of each young man I meet. I actively attempt to understand the unique meanings, context and experiences of the young man from his perspective, and I do my best to avoid making premature interpretations and assumptions about his experience. This style of work is influenced by the principles of phenomenology and Gestalt therapy, which are the primary method of exploration that I use as a counsellor (Spinelli, 1989).

The young men I work with often have many complex and contradictory feelings towards the abuser, including love. They may or may not be ready to name what happened as abusive. I believe that if I jump in too early with my own assumptions about what happened (e.g. 'It wasn't your fault', or 'What happened to you was abuse'), I may miss out on understanding the young man's personal meanings and beliefs. I also run the risk of closing off any opportunity to help explore and de construct their own ambivalence, mixed feelings, shame, guilt and feelings of self blame. This does not mean that I don't challenge young men's minimisations and denial of obvious acts of violation. It simply means attempting to bracket my own views and opinions until I have really given space for the young man to express his. I come from a position where I am not the expert on the young man's experience. Therefore, when I do offer ideas, opinions and impressions about the young man, I offer them tentatively, with permission to do so, and with plenty of room for the young man to disagree.

Working phenomenologically (attempting to understand their unique meanings and experience) also involves paying attention not just to the content of the young man's story, but also to how they tell their story (process). I believe that it is important to track the young men I am working with by noticing their verbal language, congruence, body language, breathing and facial expressions while talking. This can give me important information and cues about what might be going on for the young man. The information can then be used both to deepen awareness, and to help me attend to issues of pacing, over-stimulation and dissociation (splitting off awareness from one's body or feelings) during the counselling session.

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