Shame

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Shame is a powerful and painful feeling that most people experience when sexual assault touches their lives. It stems from the secrecy that surrounds sexual assault and it helps to perpetuate that secrecy. Mothers often feel ashamed when their children are sexually assaulted. There is a fear that people will think you are a bad mother or that it is a reflection of your relationship with your child. It is easy to tell a school that your child has broken a leg but can be difficult and humiliating to tell them about sexual assault.

"The worst thing was telling the teacher. I felt like children must. I thought she thought it was all my fault."

Fathers also feel ashamed when their child is sexually assaulted. They fear that people willl think they are the perpetrator if anyone finds out.

The child will also be feeling ashamed and will feel the stigma of having been sexually assaulted. They will feel they are dirty, damaged and unloveable. Parents are in the best position to help them overcome those feelings. Shame thrives in silence when you believe you are the only one. The best way to fight it is for you and your child to talk and to challenge the silence.

Get them to discuss with the child who in the family and immediate environment should be told what has happened. Some people may not be that supportive often because they are so uncomfortable about it.

"Telling my mother was terrible. She kept asking why she (4yr old daughter) had 'let him do it'. She did not understand that she had no choice."

Some people do need to know so they can provide support but many children react very badly if they feel every one knows.

Parents are in the best position to actively provide their children with a good role model following sexual assault. They can demonstrate that they are still loveable and good to help banish feelings of shame. Many fathers feel confused about how they should behave following sexual assault of their child. They may become concerned about bath times or giving affection, tickles horseplay etc. They can withdraw physically because they are worried about further traumatizing the child. When this happens children tend to think it is because of the sexual assault and this confirms their sense of shame. Children can only benefit from love and physical affection from adults they trust after sexual assault. They need to relearn good healthy touch that makes them feel loved regardless of what has happened to them.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 9 Feb 2010