Guilt and blame

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Guilt is almost universal when a child has been sexually assaulted and can feel overwhelming. When things go wrong in our lives it is a natural response to want to blame someone or something. Often we need to blame because it is less painful than admitting one is totally helpless. Guilt can be easier to handle than feeling powerless. Most parents blame themselves and may also blame the child. It is common to think 'why did you go there?' or 'why didn't you tell me' or 'I've told you never to let anyone touch you'. The child is likely to be even more busy blaming themselves.

Women may feel particularly guilty because we are taught that it is our job to keep our children safe. Mothers tend to have more day to day responsibility for their children and may feel guilty for not noticing behaviour changes or for not listening carefully enough.

"I really felt I had failed as a mother. It's my job to keep her safe. I should have realised something was happening to her."

Men may feel guilty because society tells us that it is a man's job to protect women and children. There is a real sense of failure as a father when your child is assaulted. The powerlessness can be even more frightening than feeling guilty for men. Feeling powerless is often very difficult for men who are expected to always be in control. Some men may feel guilty for being male when men are mainly responsible for sexual abuse and violence.

The reality is that we can never protect our children from everything.

The only real blame for sexual assault lies with the offender. Nothing any victim EVER does makes them responsible for sexual assault. Any child can at any time be tricked, bribed, threatened or forced into a sexual assaultive situation.

It can be helpful for parents to try and pinpoint exactly what they feel guilty about. In this way they can apportion blame where is belongs - with the offender. They can write down exactly what they feel bad about or regret e.g. "I wish I had noticed that Jane did not like going to my brothers house" or" I wish I had not thought that Toms bedwetting was about starting school". In this way they can admit mistakes but place the blame with the offender. One mother said " I know he was responsible for the assaults but I think we showed bad judgement in trusting him - I didn't trust my gut feeling that he was too good with the children"

Let parents know that feeling guilty can encourage children to feel guilty. If they forgive themselves they allow their child to forgive themselves. Guilt and Blame belong to the offender NOT the child or the people who care for them.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 4 Aug 2010