Feelings about the offender

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If the person who assaulted their child was a stranger or acquaintance it is easier to express anger and hurt. The struggle is then to understand why they do it. If the person was a close relative or partner there is shock and sometimes denial. They may feel they are in a position of having to choose between a partner and a child. There are fears that people will blame them. It is a widely held belief that mothers must know if their partner is abusing a child. In fact it is rare for mothers to know. Offenders are very clever at hiding their abuse.

They may feel concern and compassion about the offender or fear him going to prison. They may also feel guilty about those feelings.

" I hate what he did to her. I want to kill him. But then I feel sad for him and worried about what will happen to him. He is my brother and I can't just stop loving him. I feel like I've lost him- He won't be there for me anymore."

"I've lost my Dad if I tell the police. Maybe he'll stop doing it now"

Reassure parents and family members that there are no right or wrong feelings when your child has been sexually assaulted there are just lots of them!

The following are some guidelines for parents on WAYS of COPING

1. Acknowledge your own painful feelings and difficult thoughts. Share them with friends, partners, family or counsellors. Try writing a journal.
2. Talk to your child as much as possible about every aspect of what's happening to them and you. Expressing your feelings gives them permission to express theirs. "You need to talk about every aspect of it not just once but about 5000 times".
3. Do every thing that you can to assist your child, eg statements, crimes comp, medicals, counselling, education. This helps you feel that you are back in control.
4. Keep a diary (include photos, details of counselling names of relevant people) to record the things you and your child did and the details of dates and events, copies of statements. This can be helpful to give to children when they are older and need to make sense of what happened again as they grow up. Although it may seem a strange thing to do and may feel as if you are dwelling on what happened it does have very positive results. One boy aged 11 kept everything in a folder. He said it was good to look at it again when he needed to but that it was also good to have it in one folder and put it away.
5. Find out as much as possible about child sexual assault. It really helps to have information. Talk to other parents and professionals get books and videos from library and welfare agencies.
6. Seek out professional help through counsellors and support groups or start your own! If you have experienced sexual assault yourself it is a good idea to see a counsellor for yourself. You too deserve to be cared for.
7. Try to spend some individual 'special ' time with your child doing something you both enjoy away from other demands. This benefits your relationship and gives your child a real sense of being loved. It can help you to have pleasurable experiences with your child and know how you are contributing to both your own and your child's recovery.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 4 Aug 2010