Talking about feelings and telling

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Gut feelings are a crucial part of the fight against sexual assault. Teach children to trust their gut instincts eg yucky feeling but also trust your own gut feelings about people who may take an extreme interest in your child creating opportunities to see them alone including in other rooms eg computer rooms, sheds or garages, or who have access to your child eg relatives, friends, babysitters. Trust your child's reactions. Children may be too afraid to tell but they may communicate in other ways, eg a little girl of 4 who was assaulted by her grandfather was violently car sick when going to visit him although she was never car sick any other time.

Another child suddenly refused to stay overnight at her best friends house even though she had always loved going there.

It can benefit children in many ways to discuss a whole range of feelings and how they are expressed. This gives validity to how children feel and can help them be more aware of how they react and more able to trust those feelings eg butterflies in the stomach, fast breathing when they are scared, clenched fists and getting shaky when angry, feeling uncomfortable, wobbly knees etc.

Talking about telling

If children are aware of the risk of sexual assault and they are given options and plans of action it is far easier for them to tell because they will know that telling is their biggest weapon. Some options to teach children are outlined below.

1. Codes

It is generally helpful for children to have a way of alerting you to an urgent need in a private way. Allow the child to choose their own code to use in an emergency when they need your attention. This can be helpful when children see adults as always busy and gives them the message that their needs are very important. A second code can be used if you are delayed and someone has to pick them up unexpectedly. You can teach children that unless an adult says the code, they should not go with them but alert a teacher or someone in charge. Examples of codes can be numbers, letters, pets names, funny phrases etc.

It can be fun choosing the codes and reviewing them periodically with children. The greatest benefit of codes is to give children a sense of their own power in an adult world.

2. Yell and tell

It is also empowering and fun to teach children a self defence yell. This is loud and authoritative shout to be used in an emergency only. Under some circumstances it is possible to practice! Again it gives children permission to put themselves first and gives them options in a range of dangerous situations.

3. Emergency people

Develop with your children a list of people you would both go to in an emergency. This can be very useful if the adult identifies people they would go to as well. This can provide a sense of safety for children.

It is important to stress that they need to keep on telling until someone believes them. It can be useful to tell children that some adults are not very good at listening to children just as adults think that children are not very good at listening to adults!

4. Phone numbers

Teach children about 000 emergencies and help them learn how to dial the number and provide their address and telephone number. You can also encourage them to learn parents work numbers and those on their list of emergency people. This can be revised regularly and made fun by making it a quiz.

5. Emergency plans

Teach children about emergencies in general and what should be done. Make it clear that if someone tries to or does touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable it is an emergency and they should tell you (or someone else if you are not available) as soon as possible.

6. What ifs

These are a series of hypothetical situations that can be fun and informative for children. You can develop ones to suit your circumstances and they can cover a range of situations. They can be quite useful to do on long car journeys! Try to use them to discuss the range of actions a child could take in certain situations. Below are some examples.

What would/could you do:

a) If you were staying with Uncle John and while you were in the bath he came in and took photos of you.

b) If a baby sitter shows you a magazine with pictures of naked people.

c) If you woke in the middle of the night and smelt burning.

d) If you and your friend were playing at a neighbours (Mr Brown's) house and he started to play with his penis. He offers you money if you watch him.

e) If a close family friend comes to pick you up from school but you were expecting to go home by bus that day. He tells you Mum sent him.

f) If your grandmother comes to stay who always wants lots of cuddles from you but you don't like cuddling anyone but Mum and Dad.

g) If your big brother always comes into your bedroom when you are getting dressed and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

h) If your older girl cousin asks you into her bed and has no clothes on. She starts to touch your private parts and asks you to touch hers.

i) If someone comes to the door when all the adults are out and says he is a policeman and he needs to come inside.

j) If you were camping with your best friend and his Dad and he gave you a few beers. In the middle of the night he comes into your tent and takes your pyjamas off.

k) If you are playing on the computer with the son of Mum's best friend who is older than you and you really like. He suggests playing another game which is a secret and involves you taking your clothes off.

l) If you were sitting on Pop's lap and he started tickling you. It feels really good and you are giggling but then it goes on too long and too hard and you don't like it anymore.

m) If an older boy at school starts to touch your private parts and says you'll get into trouble if you tell.

n) If Uncle Frank is taking you to the cinema. In the car he takes your hand and puts it on his private parts. He tells you he has special things to show you because you are his favourite child but says that if you tell he will hurt your rabbit.

o) If you and your friends are in the shopping centre and a strange man takes your friend in to the toilets.

p) If Dad's best friend makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't like the way he looks at you since you started puberty.

The possibilities of What Ifs are many and they can be used to help children develop plans of action for many situations good and bad. They can also be fun and help you and your child to communicate more closely.

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Gippsland Centre Against Sexual Assault

Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 27 May 2009