Why children do not tell

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If we have an understanding of why it is so difficult for children to tell about sexual assault we can begin to make it easier for them to do so. When children are sexually assaulted, they often do not understand what is happening but instinctively feel that is wrong. They are confused and terrified about the consequences of telling, both for themselves and the adults around them. They almost always believe it is their fault which effectively ensures the secrecy the offender demands.

In essence the reasons children (and adults too) don't tell are Shame, Blame, Guilt and Fear.

Children may be threatened not just in dramatic ways but often in quite subtle ways, eg. that they will get into trouble. This is a powerful threat to young children.

Children may be threatened with violence to themselves or loved ones including pets, soft toys etc.

Children are naturally curious about bodies and sexual matters. Offenders can use this to involve children and in particular, adolescent boys. Many boys are drawn in by offenders offering to demonstrate ejaculation/oral sex or to show pornography.

Children feel utterly confused if the assaults have been physically pleasurable. Often offenders begin their abuse with gentle genital stimulation to which all children will have a physical reaction to. This does NOT mean that they enjoy the abuse, it means that their bodies respond automatically to stimulation. They lack the necessary information that adults have learnt about sexual arousal so it becomes absolutely terrifying, swamping the child with shame and guilt. Offenders will use this to ensure their victims silence eg telling boys when they get erections that they are enjoying it.

Children are subject to a number of fears that offenders can and do play on eg, monsters, being 'sent away' and not being loved.

Children may be enticed and bribed with "goodies' which they enjoy and feel guilty about especially if the goodies themselves are forbidden eg, alcohol, pornography.

Children may have been drawn in to the offenders web with extra attention, love and affection which makes them feel special. They may feel 'understood' by the offender and believe they are listened to. This is common for adolescents and lonely, isolated children. They may feel the assaults are the price they pay for the attention that they crave.

Some children may not tell because they do not know that sexual assault is wrong. They assume it happens to everyone and may not realise until adolescence that their experiences are abnormal.

We tend to believe that if we were attacked we would scream and fight - in fact often our survival instincts are so strong we do not fight at all but in fact 'lie doggo', frozen, in an attempt to escape further harm. When a smaller dog is attacked by a much bigger one it will roll over and be submissive to avoid injury. Humans are the same and children when they are so clearly less powerful than an adult or bigger person, will do as they are told to protect themselves.

It is not sufficient to tell children to say no because in some circumstances that will be useless. It is difficult for any child to say 'no' to an adult under any circumstances. It is VERY difficult for children to say 'no' to adults who they depend on, love and trust. In any event the act of saying 'no' will not prevent an offender doing what he has planned. Saying 'no' to drugs or stealing which involves personal responsibility is totally different to saying 'no' to someone who intends to sexually assault.

It is adults' responsibility to protect children and to take steps to prevent sexual assault.

In the next few pages are some ideas for activities and exercises that are designed to help parents and caregivers achieve these objectives.

Sponsor

Gippsland Centre Against Sexual Assault

Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 27 May 2009