Helping the child victim of sexual assault

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Talking to your child

• Deal with your own feelings and reactions first; you need to manage your own feelings before you can help someone else. Focus on your child's needs.
• Let the child know you are there if they need you. Focus on their feelings. Be there when they want you to talk and mostly, just listen!
• In relation to the issues of whether to go through the Court process or not, understand that they may be reluctant, they may wrongly believe that they somehow "asked" for it and fear that the assailant may retaliate. Remember that it takes a great deal of courage to report a sexual assault and to relive the incident for months to the police, juries and judges.
• Don't surround the child with silence or reproach; you may confirm their worst suspicions, that they are guilty of some terrible wrongdoing and that the rape is their "fault".
• Never blame the victim for the rape.
• Never blame yourself for the rape. Overcome negative feelings - the assault is not your fault, any more than it is the child's fault.
• The child may get angry and may displace their anger on you, shouting/swearing at you, or attempting to strike you. Don't take this personally. The child might need someone to vent their anger on, and because you're there and you're safe, they will choose you. Continue to treat the child with caring, understanding and kindness. Still reinforce boundaries and rules.
• Don't berate the child for the situation and don't dwell on things that are beyond their control. Do not say "you shouldn't have let him do it" - "you should have told me (earlier)" - "you shouldn't have been playing there anyway".
  Remember:
  1. children are often not powerful enough to prevent adults from abusing them - after all, kids are expected to do what adults tell them to do.
  2. the child can't change what's already happened and maybe couldn't change the circumstance anyway.
• Don't dwell on the sexual aspects of the rape.
• Offer unconditional, non-judgemental affection. Ask the child what they want. Only do what the child asks for. Physical acceptance (eg gentle cuddles) may help the child overcome feelings of loneliness, of being "dirty" or of being "unworthy" of being cared for.
• Let the child decide when or if they want to talk about their feelings. Reinforce their feelings, help them know that it is okay to feel that way, and emphasize that they are in no way responsible for what happened. Reassure the child: 'I'm glad you told me. It must have been awful to have such a secret and not be able to tell anyone'. Help them identify feelings by leading with 'I feel ....' 'How you were able to tell' rather than 'Why didn't you tell me earlier'. Children can never be blamed for others do to them.
• Remember, sexual assault involves a direct attack on a person's psychological boundary. While the child is learning to re-establish an appropriate boundary for themselves, it is important that you, as their carer, continue to set appropriate limits for the child eg Continue to set appropriate rules for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour; continue to set appropriate rules aimed at protecting the child.
• Be consistent and dependable.
• Make sure you give your kids a clear message that they don't need to protect you from their feelings or help you with your feelings - you'll need to get your support from somewhere else.
• Strengthen their self confidence: Include them as far as possible in the decision making but do not ask them to make decisions beyond their ability.
• Don't make promises: With the unpredictability of the Court system it is impossible to predict outcomes. Don't give them promises which can't be kept.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 1 Sep 2011