Getting it right for boys

Home: Survivors: For Teenagers: Going too far

It's confusing being male in today's world. Boys are still getting lots of messages that they should be tough, athletic and forceful, only now the messages are changing slightly. Suddenly it's okay to be gentle and sensitive sometimes. But how do you know what you're supposed to be, or what's expected of you? Some girls seem to like you if you're strong and in control and call you a wimp if you're not; others want you to be soft and caring and tell you you're sexist for being tough. You have to be in control and dominating in front of the other boys or you're called a wimp. You're sure to get it wrong with somebody however you behave.

Sexual assault and boys

Boys who are raped experience similar feelings of powerlessness and confusion as girls, and it's just as hard for them to talk about their experience. The following is a true story about a boy who was sexually abused and was lucky enough to have support in coming to terms with it.

Martin's story

WHEN MUM AND DAD told me I was going to Melbourne to school I was really excited. We live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and I was keen to specialise at school in science. The local area school didn't really have the equipment and stuff. Dad always wanted me to go to Melbourne because that's where he went.

Mum and dad had friends in Toorak who had a son nearly as old as me, Chris, so they asked them if they'd board me. I'd met them a few times. They seemed nice and I got on great with Chris. We went to the same school, played tennis together and got into the under thirteen cricket team. His mum was just like mine. A bit strict sometimes but I reckon she felt sorry for me being away from home. His dad, Jim was OK at first. He took us to local cricket and swimming and to the movies. He was pretty strict with Chris.

Anyway, Jim seemed to take a special interest in me after a few weeks. He helped me with my homework. The house was quite big. We used to go into Jim's office upstairs. He used to shut the door to keep out Chris' sister Jane he said. Then after a while I felt a bit funny about these homework times. He used to sit very close to me. I don't mind my mum or dad touching me. I'm seventeen now and I still hug my mum and dad. A lot of guys think it's stupid but I think it's cool. But Jim was different. I was twelve years old but I knew the difference between how my dad hugged me and the way Jim leaned on me when he helped me with school work. He touched my legs and arms. I tried to avoid it but he was an adult and I still had to do as I was told.

It got more and more personal. He used to sort of, grab at my cock and laugh like it was a huge joke. He did it in front of Chris. He tried to make it look like mucking about but Chris got as embarrassed as me.

One day he said he was going down to the milk bar and then on to the cricket club, and would I like to come? I said yes, thinking that Chris was coming too. But he wasn't and we went off alone.

The season was over but Jim said he had some gear there he wanted to pick up. When we got there he didn't make any move to get out of the car. He said he was very fond of me and now I was nearly a man it was time he introduced me to some grown up stuff. He touched my leg and then he put his hands on my groin. Then he got his cock out and put my hand on it. I think how terrified women must be when they first meet men's sexuality. But this is looking back on it. Making sense of something which at the time seemed senseless and terrifying. I just sat there. I was scared and confused and guilty. He was treating me like a girl. He was breathing heavily and started to masturbate himself when I didn't oblige. When it was over he drove home. On the way back he said if I ever told anyone he would say it was me. He said I would be in big trouble and my parents wouldn't believe me.

Looking back on it I was mostly scared. But I also didn't understand except I knew he was doing things that we talked about doing to girls, and I got scared that I wasn't a proper boy.

I didn't tell anyone and I tried to keep away from him. But he still continued to touch me and once more he made me get in the car and go to the club. I became withdrawn. I couldn't wait to go home at the holidays.

I felt relieved when I was back on the farm. Mum and dad aren't stupid. They saw I was quiet and different and they sat me down for one of their family talks. They waited until my older brothers were out and my sister was in bed. I told them. It was a great relief just to say it out loud. It took a while for me to speak about it but in the end I was glad I did.

They didn't blame me at all. Dad began shouting and swearing, calling Jim every bastard under the sun. Mum didn't. She was dead quiet. She was pale. Not shock, but cold anger. She went straight to the telephone directory and called the local hospital, where there's a Sexual Assault Clinic. They made an appointment for me the next day and mum and dad and me went in and talked to a counsellor.

After the first time we went to the counsellor, dad and mum went around to Jim's place and gave it to him pretty straight. They told him they would be making damn sure he didn't do it again. I went to live at the school hostel. For the next few months I was very wary about men.

With mum and dad's support and the counsellor, I was OK. I laugh now when people talk about perverts hanging around men's loos. I know that does happen, but I've seen the statistics and believe me, my story is more usual. I have a regular girlfriend now, and I feel good about myself. The people at the Sexual Assault Centre told me that this isn't always the way, and lots of boys don't tell anyone. They can end up in a bad way, not being able to relate properly.

I hope if anything like my story has happened to you or if it does in the future, you do something about it. It's much better than keeping quiet.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 13 Aug 2009