Decision making

Home: Survivors: For Teenagers: Going too far

We often make decisions according to how we feel. This is okay, there's nothing wrong with acting on our feelings or hunches. But decision making can also be rational or linear: that is, we look at the options and the consequences of each option, and then decide.

By looking at decisions rationally, it's possible to see that we have choices. These choices might be limited or restricted by all kinds of things, like how much money we have, or whether our parents will approve, or whether it's socially acceptable. It might be that the only choice you have is how you are going to interpret what is happening to you, but the point is that you always have a choice, even when it doesn't look like it, or you haven't seen it yet.

Of course the choices could be utterly ghastly. For example if someone was trying to rob you and he had a gun, you might have to choose between giving him your money or getting shot.

When you make decisions, whether or not you make them rationally, they will probably be made according your values. Your values are the beliefs you have and what you think is important. If you have problems deciding on what decision to make, it can be useful to write down your options and outline the pros and cons of each. When you can see your options more clearly, it helps you to decide.

The messages you give yourself have a lot to do with how you feel.

You can't change your feelings, but you can notice the messages you give yourself and 'change the tape'.

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Creating non-violent relationships

Taking charge

This section is about situations where you are able to have control, such as in everyday communications with your friends and family. As a child or young person there are many situations you don't have much say in, or where your choices are very limited. For example if you are being physically or sexually abused by a family member, it will be difficult for you to be in control of the situation without outside assistance.

It's not always easy being responsible for your actions and communications with people. It's much easier to blame other people when things go wrong, just like it's much easier to whinge about somebody to other people than it is to talk to him about what's bothering you.

Try it out. Next time one of your friends does something that annoys you, try dealing with it assertively. Talk to her instead of everyone else. Remember to use "I" messages, and don't use judgements or blame her. Tell her what happened and how you feel about it. Just letting her know will allow for a more honest friendship. It gives her a chance to describe how it was for her, so you can understand each other better. If you're serious about dealing with conflict you need to be honest, and you have to be willing to let go of being right.

One method of communicating your feelings to another person, or asking for a change in his behaviour is to use D E S C. This is a four step process which is easy to learn. It's very useful when you're upset about something and you aren't sure where to start or how to express your feelings. It allows you to be constructive about expressing your feelings, without blaming the other person or letting your feelings control you and prevent you getting what you want.

The first thing to do is to set up a conversation with the other person. Make sure he isn't going to rush off somewhere, and let him know you want five or ten minutes to discuss something with him. You might have to arrange a meeting at a specified time, like after school.

When you have his attention, use the following four step method of getting across your communication. Before you start with the first step, tell him you want him to listen until you have finished what you have to say.

It's a good idea to practice the model with friends, so you're able to follow the steps without having to think about it.

D E S C

STEP 1. DESCRIBE what happened, without using judgements or exaggerating, in a matter of fact way. eg. "Yesterday when I was standing at the bus stop, you rode past me on your bike and whistled at me."

STEP 2. EXPRESS how you felt about it, using "I" statements. "I felt really awful about it. I hate being whistled at" or "I get so angry when you do that".

STEP 3. SPECIFY what you want. "I'd like you to promise never to do that again."

STEP 4. CONSEQUENCE Say what the benefit would be if the person did change that behaviour. "If you treated me like a person instead of whistling at me like I'm a dog or something, we could get to be friends." You don't always need to use this part of the process, but sometimes it's useful.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 13 Aug 2009