Tips on listening

Home: Survivors: For Teenagers: Going too far

The next story shows how easy it is to be misunderstood, and end up not quite getting what you want.

Crossed Wires

THE PARTY was really jumping. There was a lot of noise. You knew it was a good party when the cops had been round twice to follow noise complaints. Tim was in the corner trying to hold his drink straight way up against the crush of people when the phone, hanging on the wall by his ear, let out a feeble peep peep. He picked it up and found it was for someone called Lisa. He asked the caller to wait and shouted to the person next to him. "Which one's Lisa?''

She was pointed out on the other side of the room. Tim started to push his way over, but there was no way he was going to make his way through the throng.

"Lisa!" he called "Lisa!" She turned and smiled at him looking quizzical. He lifted his hand, turning it, making the old fashioned sign for telephone. She looked puzzled then smiled and turned to the drinks table which was behind her and held up a stubby. He saw her mouth moving asking if this is what he wanted. He shook his head. She tried a wine cask. He lent through the wall of people.

"Would you pass on to that girl over there that there's a phone call for her?" The message began its way across the room. Lisa smiled and started to push her way towards him.
"Thanks" she said when she arrived. "Got the message at last."

Tim moved away from the phone to make a space for her. He found himself standing next to a short, round girl with red hair.
"Hi" he said, "I'm Tim." "Onella." she said, "Noisy isn't it?" He nodded. "You're Maria's sister aren't you? I used to go to school with her. How is she?"
"She's good. Living in Melbourne doing a modelling course."
"Really? We always thought she'd make a great model. Stunning figure. Good on her."

Onella's eyes registered a vague hurt, quickly fading. "Not that I think looks are important. Just some people have better bodies for that sort of thing."

"Excuse me" said Onella. "I must get a drink." He watched her push away. Big mouth. He meant it too, about looks not being important. He was no Mel Gibson. He'd try and talk to her later.

He looked up in time to see the dreadful Marcia making her way towards him. He smiled nervously. She saw it and redoubled her efforts. Marcia had liked him for months. He'd spent hours side-stepping and smiling at her. How do you tell someone who's not nasty but just doesn't interest you to get lost? She arrived at his side, and there were the usual openings and niceties. After half an hour he'd agreed to go to the movies with her. She had to leave then, her lift was going.

He changed rooms. By the kitchen door he saw Mike and Effie. Now Effie was another matter. He really liked her. But he got tongue tied and gawky around her, and said ridiculous things. He'd given up trying. Mike was cool he didn't seem to talk much but always said the right things.

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Suddenly Tim wanted to go. He made his way to the hall. Onella was there.

"Are you off?" she said.
"Better" he replied.
"Mustn't miss our beauty sleep, must we?"
Tim mumbled goodnight.

Outside the air was pretty crisp for this time of year. It was a relief to be going, not to have to talk to anyone. Didn't you always get it wrong however hard you tried? And didn't other people misunderstand good intentions? He pulled his collar up and walked towards his car, shoes clicking out little messages of their own on the bluestone.

Because of Tim's lack of assertiveness, he ended up arranging a date with a girl he wasn't attracted to, and he was too scared to approach the girl he liked. He insulted Onella by mistake and left the party feeling powerless. What would you have done if you were in Tim's situation? What could Tim do now to sort out the mess?

VERBAL MESSAGES represent about 35% of communication. Misunderstandings can also occur from how we use language. Words can be very powerful, and they don't always convey the meanings you want.

Speaking is one part of communication, the other part is listening. But everyone has a slightly different interpretation of what you say, according to their backgrounds and experience, and what is happening in their own lives at the time.

For example, you might be talking to your friend about the holiday you had at the beach. Your friend could be reminded of something unpleasant that happened to him when he was last at the beach. As soon as you start talking to him about your holiday, he's stopped listening to you, because he's upset about his own experience and he's thinking about that instead. He's only heard a small part of what you said, and it might not be the part you thought was most important.

People who come from different cultural backgrounds can have additional problems in communicating, even when they understand and speak English. Those of us who were born and brought up in Australia take for granted a lot of the unspoken communication that is part of our everyday experience. In every culture there are different ways of using the same words, phrases, and body language to mean very different things.

How the other person hears you isn't the same as what you say.

The key to good communication is learning how to listen properly. You might think that's pretty stupid unless you have a hearing disability, anyone can listen. After all, most of your childhood is spent listening to your parents and your teachers.

But listening is the hardest thing in the world to do properly. And you have to train yourself to listen, it doesn't just happen naturally. What happens naturally is that you DON'T listen to other people, you listen to yourself.

Think about it. What happens to you when you aren't talking to someone else? Do you hear a little voice in your head telling you what's happening around you? It will be busy making judgements about things, reminding you of things that have happened in the past, commenting on everything. When you have become aware of it, try stopping it. You won't be able to. This voice in your head is like a nonstop tape, whirring around constantly. How can you possibly hear what anyone else is saying with that racket going on, especially if the messages you are giving yourself are putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself.

Self Listening is a term we use to describe what happens when most people talk to each other. You can tell when the other person is self listening, because she will interrupt you in the middle of what you are saying to tell you about something that what you were saying reminded her of. In other words, she only heard the bit you said that reminded her of what she was thinking about. She was listening to herself, not you.

Next time you're having a conversation with someone, notice how many times you are interrupted, and how often you interrupt others. Instead of taking it for granted that you are listening to each other, notice how well you listen.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 18 Jul 2003