Talking with children about sexual abuse

Home: Survivors: Incest & Child Abuse: It happened to me

The main message from survivors is about the importance of paying attention to children's behaviour and, if they appear to be under stress, encouraging them to talk about what is concerning them. Children often tell of the abuse a little at a time, to test out the reaction of the person they are telling. It is necessary for there to be a relationship of trust before children feel able to speak up.

From the survivors' point of view, the most important response is to know that they have been believed and that something is going to be done to stop the abuse. The way family members, friends and professionals respond at the time of disclosure will have a major impact on the long-term consequences for the child.

A supportive and believing response to disclosure is very helpful to the child while a non-supportive reaction can be devastating.

'You need someone to ask you directly. A teacher asked me if everything was okay at home because I was so reserved. He didn't say is anyone abusing you? He let me tell him and I skirted right round the actual area. It made me feel a bit better but it didn't do anything to stop the actual abuse.'

'It can be scary for children if people are really direct. When I was about thirteen a doctor asked me whether I was sexually active. I just ran out the door. I bolted. I thought: My God, she knows all about me, I can't handle this. I think she was too direct for me anyway.'

'I'm sure there are ways you could approach it sideways, provide an opening for the child. People need training to do this.'

'It's difficult to tell a trusted person exactly what happened. If they can't talk to you in a skilled manner they need to refer you to someone who can.'

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 21 May 2010