Blame and responsibility

Home: Survivors: Incest & Child Abuse: It happened to me

Blaming the victim is a common way of dealing with situations we feel uncomfortable about. A research study commissioned in 1991 by DHS into community attitudes to child sexual abuse showed one in four people believe the child should take the blame for sexual abuse in some cases. Nearly four in ten men believe the child victim is to blame in some way for the abuse. These findings are repeated in research undertaken in 2003 ¹.

One of the strongest messages from the survivors' experiences is how effectively this attitude of blame can silence victims and allow the abuse to continue. Abusers make many excuses to avoid taking responsibility for the abuse, most commonly that the child somehow provoked the abuse or enjoyed it. We are often willing to believe these excuses rather than recognise the powerlessness of the child. Acknowledging the abuse can be very threatening as we are confronted with reality that some adults take advantage of trusting relationships with children. The abuser often tells the child that they are to blame, and this is reinforced by the reactions of others. As these survivors point out, the community must take responsibility for stopping child sexual abuse and this includes being aware of our own attitudes and misconceptions and their likely impact.

'You feel it's your fault. I would get the blame. People would say, What did you do to cause this? I was the youngest and the lowest on the ladder. It was always going to be turned around to be my fault. I didn't have a counsellor or anyone at school to tell.'

'Society is also under the misconception that people can't control their behaviour toward children or that people are not responsible for their actions. Responsibility is shifted toward children or they think that people sexually abuse because they are not getting satisfied by their spouse.'

'My mother even approached my father's doctor and told him about sexual abuse. The doctor responded by saying to my mother that she was very lucky her daughter told her because many little girls like it.'

'People say, how could you not have stopped it? If I was in your situation I would have stopped it.'

'I was told by my mother and by my father's sisters that he was ill and I had to forgive him. I had nowhere to place my confusion, frustration and fear. I turned it inward.'

'It is a myth that some children enjoy it; children do often feel aroused but that is a natural bodily function and should not be confused with wanting it.'

'On the occasions my mother confronted him with the sexual abuse he inflicted on me he tried to justify it to her by saying he was teaching me and preparing me for my eventual marriage, all just part of my education.'

'The community needs to know that it is never the child's fault, never the child's responsibility.'

'Society needs to put more responsibility on perpetrators. Some men use childhood abuse as an excuse for doing it.'

'I was told, you have to understand his feelings dear; he is oversexed. 'There needs to be more focus on the perpetrator as the dysfunctional one so that no guilt or shame is attached to the child.'

'There is still a belief that it must somehow be the child's fault, that it's something you've worn, for example.'

'There's still a lot of shame and guilt as an adult. You can't really tell your friends.' 'Never trust an abuser. They are expert manipulators. You are not responsible for their recovery - they are.'

'Perpetrators would not be guilty. They have no concept of “the other”. But they would know that other people may not approve and they need to keep quiet. There is a difference between knowing that you've done something wrong and taking responsibility.'

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 21 May 2010