Telling doesn't necessarily stop the abuse

Home: Survivors: Incest & Child Abuse: It happened to me

A small number of survivors told of their abuse before they reached adulthood. In most instances they told their mother. Sometimes this was successful in stopping the abuse. However, often the abuse continued, either because the child wasn't believed or the steps taken to protect the child were not effective.

We know that if a child continues to live with an abuser protection is difficult, if not impossible, and that it is very difficult for families to deal with sexual abuse without expert assistance. Some survivors expressed considerable anger at their mothers' inability to protect them. However, there was also recognition of their mothers' powerlessness and the lack of support services to assist parents in dealing with the situation.

'I told my Mum and she fronted Dad and she said it won't happen again. The Church said the same thing. They assured her that it wouldn't happen again. I had a local parish priest who spoke to Dad. She then sent me down the street with Dad to buy something and he threatened to kill me. It went on for years after that.' 'I told my Mum when I was about fourteen or fifteen. I had to tell because I couldn't stand it. The abuse stopped but he let me know that I had betrayed his trust. My mother was supportive of me and angry at him.'

'I disclosed first to my mother at the age of five years that my father was abusing me. My mother's initial reaction was to tell me that she would speak to him about it. She appeared to be upset but there seemed to be no rage, more of a complacency. I was frightened that when she told my father what I had said that he would be angry and hurt me. The abuse was kept a family secret, no one talked about it, which increased my feeling of isolation and shame. The sexual abuse continued throughout my childhood. I remained in constant anxiety never knowing how to relate to members of my family or anyone for that matter.'

'I was four and it was my mother's lover who abused me. This man pulled down our pants and we told my mother and we got our bums smacked. He then started really abusing us. I then told my mother again when we were about eight. She told me not to be so stupid and then that went on until that man died. I got married when I was about eighteen and I re-told mum when I was about twenty and she still wouldn't believe me.' 'My situation was a bit different. It was someone outside the immediate family. My parents must have sensed that something was going on and stopped it.'

'Mothers feel powerlessness, particularly in the rural sector, where there are few networks, isolation and large families.'

'My mother didn't want to admit what was going on. She said being the mother of six kids, married to an abusive alcoholic (he used to sexually abuse her), she didn't know where to go. There were no refuges. The Church said that you married for better or worse and you had to stay there.'

'I know that my mum was scared of my father. She knew what was going on. She knew if she talked she would be abused. It's just fear of being alone too.'

'Mum and I don't really talk much about what happened but we have more of an understanding now. If there's something that's really bothering me that Mum has done or didn't do to protect me as a child I'll say something to her. She just says it was my way of surviving. As a child I tried to tell her and she knew I tried to tell her ... I've confronted her on that but that's an old story. So I've just accepted, knowing she had to survive, she didn't have much of a choice.'

'Like I said before, I told my mum and she thought that by talking it would stop. She then honestly believed it never happened again and when I finally let it out at the age of twenty-five when I was having problems with my marriage, she was horrified. She said, why didn't you tell me? I just screamed at her and said, why didn't you pick up the signs? Why didn't you listen to me? She said, I never thought.'

'My mother made an effort to get help at various times when I would report yet another act of sexual abuse from my father. She would, on occasion, take my brothers and myself from my father for several days to her mother or one of her sisters-in-law's homes but we always came home again and the cycle of violence, sexual abuse and terror would eventually erupt again. Being a mother of five children, unemployed with no appropriate support she was as much of a victim of my father and society as I was.'

'People will not disclose because of embarrassment, shame or feeling responsible. We need to tell non-abusing parents it is not their fault and that they are not responsible. We also need to provide them with ongoing support.'

'It's about the breakdown of the family. Mothers are not willing to sacrifice everything for their children. They are willing to sacrifice the children instead. There is also the stigma of abuse and the lack of resources available for non-abusing parents. We need to say it is okay to admit to ... their guilt needs to be addressed.'

'Mothers may have been abused themselves which leads to a massive entanglement which is really difficult to understand.'

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