Family life

Home: Survivors: For Males: It happened to us

'I have no idea what a supportive family was. I've never actually been home since I was ten years old. It was the farm, boarding school, then the streets.'

The majority of participants experienced a generally unhappy childhood and family life.

Being abused by a loved family member created confusion and a sense of betrayal.

Many contributors felt that abuse was used in the family as a form of power and control. This was reflected in other aspects of family life with some sexually abusive fathers with-holding money, forbidding social contact and restricting the movement of family members.

Relationships between family members often involved physical violence, poor communication, scapegoating, belittling and intimidation.

We know, however, from talking with non-offending parents of children who have been sexually abused, that many have been horrified when informed of what was happening. These parents reported feelings of guilt, anger and confusion for not realising their child was being abused ⁴. The fear induced by the perpetrator ensured that secrecy was maintained within the family.

Some contributors who were abused outside the family also commented on an unhappy family life, with distrust and distancing between family members preventing them from discussing the abuse or getting the support they needed after being abused.

Recovery was easier with a supportive family. With greater education about sexual abuse, boys are more able to talk to their families about this issue.

A supportive family was important to one survivor who was abused by a stranger.

'I remember the day of my 21st birthday, I said to my girlfriend I am going to get up there and tell my mother and brothers and sisters how much I love them, how much they have done for me and I just could never have made it without them. I think it was only [with] the support of my family that I went the right way, every time I walk into my house I have a great feeling of love from all my family towards me and me towards them.'

'He [my father] was cold, mean and cruel, other people didn't like him, he was cruel in the things he said to us and other people.'

'Nothing was ever good enough for my parents, even when I won every single race in the school swim meetings, it was still not good enough. I was told I would never make a swimmer.'

'My father [the emotional abuser] was straightforward, there was no second guessing with him, he was like a full on arsehole, a real tyrant.'

'I've heard people say that it's terrible how kids are trapped in orphanages and abused, which it is, but I was trapped in my home and abused.'

'My father was very good at intimidating me and also in terms of isolating me from people in general when I was a child and I was emotionally dependent on him.'

'If I hadn't been fearful of my parents, I would have been able to speak more freely to them.'

'My father abused my mother verbally. I am the eldest; I began to step in between my father and mother and took the abuse off my mother.'

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