Janine's story

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This article is written for women and assumes a male offender, however SECASA acknowledges that both men and women can be survivors of sexual abuse and that offenders can be male and female.

Janine's story

My hands trembled as l tugged at what appeared to be a photo through the slot of a money box belonging to my husband. And there it was. Finally the proof l had been searching for three years. A photo of my daughter (16 years old at the time) performing a sexual act on my husband. Oh yes, l had suspected for three years that something was going on instinct or whatever you might call it. l had confronted my husband on several occasions about my fears (no easy task considering the physical and emotional abuse suffered during the marriage), and each time he would vehemently deny it, and on the last occasion he told me l was going mad, and if l ever brought up the subject again he would leave me! At that time l felt that l could not live without him. Finally in desperation, l confronted my daughter as tactfully as l could and she just laughed and told me l was being crazy, l was going mad. l really believed that. An appointment was made with a psychiatrist, but l couldn't tell him my real problem. l was sent away with some tranquillisers to 'calm me down'.

And so it was with a mixture of relief, and all sorts of other emotions that l found myself that day of discovery. For the first few weeks l was living on pure adrenaline. So many things to do. First of all kick my husband out! Go to court for an intervention order; daughter not willing to press charges because my husband had been brainwashing her into believing that he had to do those things to her; desperately trying to get daughter to have counselling, but her unwillingness to do anything was a part of the denial process. l knew what had to be done but my hands were tied until my daughter was ready.

At that time l felt as though all my emotions were exposed for the world to see. l hated all men. They were all potential sex abusers of children. l was completely obsessed with this nightmare. l could no longer pass the time of day with anyone. All my conversations centred around the abuse of my daughter. l prayed sometimes for a break in the form of denial so l could escape. But there was nowhere to go. l just had to deal with it and that was it. After the first weeks of the adrenaline rush had worn off, every other emotion imaginable surfaced. Guilt, anger at myself, anger at my husband (l stayed awake at nights plotting ways to kill him), anger at my daughter (l asked, but she wouldn't tell me), severe depression, panic attacks, fits of crying, and a deep sadness that reached to the very core of my being.

l now know that this was all part of the mourning process which effects all of us at the end of a marriage. It doesn't have to be the physical death of a spouse, but the knowledge that this person is now out of your life forever. It doesn't matter if the marriage was a bad one, you will still have to endure some level of the mourning process. Once l was aware of this, l found it a little easier to cope, as l knew that time would eventually help me recover. It is so important to have a network of support for yourself Talk, talk, talk. Cry, cry, cry. You must release all the poison. If you don't it will continue to poison you.

As parents we are expected to be strong for our children at these times but l often asked myself 'How can l be strong when l feel like a child myself?' I needed to be nurtured and mothered as well. And this is where the counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists are important. I'm not discounting the importance of family and friends, but sometimes they are suffering too, and we need to off-load some pretty heavy stuff onto someone who is not emotionally involved. l guess the most important coping skill would be day by day - and if that seems too much, even minute by minute. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that in twelve months, I've been to hell and back, but I'm still standing. l now look to the future with hope, and l know that my daughter has been given back her life. The pain does lessen, but you never forget.

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