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| What your child might think |
Some feelings you may be experiencing
Home: Family & Friends: Caring for Yourself: What you might be feeling
'It's like a kind of grieving'
Parents whose children have been sexually abused talk about experiencing a kind of grieving after the disclosure of the abuse. Some parents of children who have been abused describe the grieving as death without someone dying. They feel the pain is long and never-ending as the abuser remains, to some degree, in their life. There is a sense of much loss when a child has been abused. For the non-offending parent there may be the loss of what may have been a good marriage or partnership. You may feel the loss of years of work put into a marriage and perhaps creating a family. You may grieve for your child's loss of a sense of safety and trust. Feeling that your other children, your parents and other relatives may have a sense of something lost is common.
'But I feel so responsible'
Even though you may come to accept that you are not responsible for the abuse itself, often the non-offending parent is left with many feelings of responsibility. You are expected to be strong and supportive of your abused child and others. You are expected to make the right decisions for your child, even though you may not know what these decisions are. You may be responsible for making choices such as: Should I tell my other children, parents and relatives? Should I allow my children to have any contact with the person who abused my child? How do I protect other children now that I know he's an abuser? You might feel that it is almost impossible to make any of these choices. Some women find solutions to these problems quickly, while for many the decisions will only come with time – after speaking with supportive friends, family and counsellors.
'I feel lots of conflicting emotions'
As well as grief and responsibility, it is likely that you and your child are experiencing a whole range of conflicting emotions. Listed opposite are some of the emotions children and adults may feel when sexual abuse becomes part of their experience. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Each person will react in their own way and confusion is common.
| Adult | Child | |
|---|---|---|
| "It must be all my own fault" | Guilt | "I must have caused all this trouble" |
| "Who do I believe - him or her?" | Confusion | "I don't know whether I did the right thing in telling" |
| "What is going to happen to us all now?" | Fear | "I'm so scared about everything - what if he goes to jail" |
| "I can never trust another man again" | Distrust | "Who really believes me?" |
| "I can hardly think straight" | Shock | "I didn't think I'd cause this much trouble" |
| "It makes me sick to think what he did" | Disgust | "How could he have done that to me?" |
| "I'm so glad it's been uncovered and stopped" | Relief | "Thank goodness someone believed me" |
| "I feel like I have lost a partner and everything I know" | Grief | "I miss all the good things about my family" |
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Disclaimer
Copyright Updated: 23 Jun 2010
The South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault acknowledges the traditional Aboriginal owners of country throughout Victoria. We pay our respects to them, their culture and their Elders past, present and future.