My friend has been sexually assaulted

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If you have a friend who tells you that she has been sexually assaulted, then the first step towards her recovery has been taken. She has chosen a trusted person to confide in. The way you respond to her confidence is very important. You will have feelings of your own to deal with. You will probably be upset and confused. Because of the emotional stress of listening to what she is telling you, you may feel like crying, or giggling. You may not feel competent to support her in what she is going through, and not know where to turn for information that will help her.

There are some really important, practical things you can do:

Listening

Listen to what your friend has to say. Try not to interrupt her or ask lots of questions.

Let her tell you at her own pace. Don't worry if she stops talking for a while, silences are OK - you don't have to rush to fill them with words.

Here are some of the ways in which other young women have responded when a friend has told them she has been sexually assaulted:

'I said "It must have been tough (frightening)".'

'I cried with her.'

'I reached out and touched her hand and put my arm around her shoulder. (I was hesitant to touch her at first because she was talking about touch as a bad experience, but it worked out).'

'I was afraid to open my mouth. Even though I didn't think it was funny, I felt a giggle coming on. But I didn't let myself giggle. I concentrated on breathing deeply and the giggle went away.' [Goulburn North East CASA]

Sexual assault has for too long been a crime that victims feel they cannot talk about. It is good for her to be able to tell somebody she trusts. Because it is you that she has chosen to tell, it is important that you respect her trust and not talk about what she has told you with your other friends.

Believing

The way you can help your friend is to believe her. People rarely make up stories about sexual assault. You will have been influenced, as we all are, by the myths in our society about sexual assault - that women were 'asking for it', that it was her fault in some way and that children lie about incest. So it is not helpful to say things which may instinctively come into your head like 'why did you go there?' or 'you know what he's like, you shouldn't have gone out with him.' Messages like that just let him off the hook.

Anyway, your friend is probably telling herself the very same things, blaming herself for what has happened. If your friend is disclosing to you that she is a victim of sexual assault in the home (incest), it is important that you encourage her to tell a trusted adult who can do something about it, perhaps a relative, a school counsellor or teacher, or a worker at your local Centre Against Sexual Assault.

Remember that sexual assault is never the fault of the person who has been assaulted. It is always the fault of the person who did the assaulting.

Informing

The third thing that you can do is to help her to decide the best course of action to stop the assault, if it is still happening, and to find out where she can get more information and assistance.

A good starting place is to check the Contacts section. There you will find a list of all the Centres Against Sexual Assault in Victoria, as well as some other agencies which can be of help.

There will be a CASA near your home or school. Encourage your friend to telephone a CASA (freecall Australia wide) 1800 806 292. As somebody supporting a victim of sexual assault, you too can telephone this number for advice. There will always be someone on the other end of the phone to whom she can talk, who will believe, understand, and be able to help.

Date/acquaintance rape

'Date rape' is an experience of which young women should be especially aware. Statistics show most women and children are sexually assaulted by a person who is known to them. On dates, young women can feel great pressure to have sex when they don't want to.

In the United States, Ms, a women's magazine, carried out a large survey across 32 college campuses on the incidence of date rape. The results were startling:

• One in four female respondents had had an experience that met the legal definition of rape or attempted rape.
• 85 per cent of those raped knew the attacker.
• 57 per cent of the assaults happened on dates.
• Most of the rapes did not happen on the college campus, but in either the victim's, or the perpetrator's, home or car.
• Yet only 27 per cent of the women whose sexual assault met the legal definition of rape thought of themselves as rape victims.

This last statistic can be easily understood. The phenomenon of date rape blurs the distinction between crime and 'normal' sex. Many young women who are raped on dates have had little experience of sexual intercourse prior to the attack. In the words of one victim:

"There was a part of me ... that thought that's the way "it" was done. Guys pounced on you, you struggled, then forgot about the whole thing ... It was unwilling sex. I just didn't want to and he did. Today, at 29, I know it was rape" [Sandi, who was raped at 17 by an acquaintance].

Victims of date rape can feel great pressure not to report the crime:

"I felt I couldn't go to my parents.... the police were out ... and my friends would quickly disown me for having one of our own thrown in jail." [Melissa, a high school victim raped by a friend].

One object of the Ms study was to find out the extent of date rape. Another, equally important, object was to study the crime in order to see how young women could avoid becoming victims of it themselves.

The study revealed the situations in which young women were especially vulnerable to attack. The advice which flows from this knowledge includes that young women should know that they have the right to set sexual limits, and should clearly communicate those limits;

• be assertive.
• trust their feelings - one victim's advice is that 'You have to learn to trust that little voice. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, get out ... of the situation' [Paitia, p. 156].
• stay in control of the situation, by paying their own way so that the date can't be interpreted as you 'owing' him something.

Young women should beware of boys who:

• do not treat them as an equal - who emotionally abuse or belittle them, who try to control them, or who talk negatively about women in general;
• encourage them to drink heavily or take drugs;
• are physically violent towards them or others;
• become angry when they say 'no'.
  [all quotes from Warshaw, R. (1988). I never called it rape: the Ms. report on recognising, fighting and surviving date and acquaintance rape. New York: Harper & Row.]

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 8 Jun 2010