Someone I care about was raped: what can I do to help?

Home: Family & Friends: For Family and Friends: Relating to rape survivors

This article is written for women and assumes a male offender, however SECASA acknowledges that both men and women can be survivors of sexual abuse and that offenders can be male and female.

It is normal for you to feel upset and confused. At a time when you may want most to help the woman you care about through this crisis, you will be dealing with a crisis of your own.

You may have to deal with these feelings but it is important to remember that you were not the one who was raped.

It is not uncommon to be confused about rape and perhaps to wonder if the woman could have prevented it. You may find it difficult to listen when the survivor needs to talk about feelings. You may hope that by not talking about the assault, the feelings both of you are having will go away. You may be tempted to make decisions for the survivor, or to be overprotective. You may want to hide the assault from others, fearing their reaction to the survivor and to you. You may want to resolve the crisis quickly; you may feel disturbed or confused when the survivor continues to be affected for weeks, months, or years.

Many people confuse violence and sex; they do not understand a woman's deep emotional upset and sense of violation.

Some partners may want more physical intimacy sooner than the woman does. Others may feel repulsed by closeness. As a partner, friend, or family member, you may feel guilty and responsible, believing that somehow you could have prevented the assault. You may also feel anger at the attacker or at everyone in general and a desire for revenge.

All of these feelings are understandable following the sexual assault of a loved one.

If you are feeling angry at the woman, you are then holding her unfairly responsible for what has happened. Society in general blames women for rape and so it is necessary to think about your own attitudes such as 'women deserve to be raped' or 'she must have done something to encourage it'.

If these feelings are expressed in hurtful ways, they can interfere with the resolution of the crisis for the woman. She needs your support and understanding. However, you also need support and it is available.

Rape is violence, not a sexually motivated or sexually gratifying act. The rapist's aim is to dominate, humiliate, control, and degrade his victim. However, because the same parts of the body are involved in sexual assault as in making love, this does not mean that women enjoy or want to be raped.

In addition, some people do not understand a woman's deep emotional upset and sense of violation. Many people believe rape is not traumatic unless the woman was a virgin or suffered severe and visible physical injury. Other people may not understand the importance of the woman making her own decisions and regaining control over her life.

Not understanding the reality of rape can make the crisis more difficult for you and the survivor.

If children are involved, they may either know or sense that something has happened. It is important that they receive help to deal with their feelings, too. What children imagine is usually more frightening to them than knowing the facts. It is helpful if they are given the opportunity to deal with their feelings.

The emotional impact of rape does not disappear, and talking about feelings can help. It may also help to focus on fighting back against rape. Learning self-defence, improving home safety and sharing experiences with other women are just a few ways of gaining self-determination and confidence.

Rape crisis and sexual assault workers are available to support you as well as the woman who has been raped. Your feelings of fear, anger, confusion, guilt, or powerlessness are normal. Workers can assist you in dealing with your feelings and can answer questions about medical, legal, or other issues.

Sponsor

NSW Rape Crisis Centre

Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 2 Jul 2003