Information for mothers

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Contents

• Guilt and blame
• Shame
• Fear
• Anger
• Grief
• Sexuality
• Dealing with the system
• Relatinship with your child
• Feelings about the offender
• Ways of Coping
• Mothers stories

  Discovering that your child has been sexually assaulted is a shocking and traumatic experience which affects you as a parent and as a person. It is painful to care for a child who has been hurt and frightened and it can also remind you of any difficult experiences from your own childhood. It can have a significant impact on how you see yourself and your relationships.

  This leaflet will focus on the experiences mothers and female carers are likely to have when they discover their child has been subjected to sexual assault. In many ways the feelings you have will be very much the same as your child and you can share some of the recovery that you both need to do. When any kind of trauma is experienced people have a range of reactions that can be frightening and become expressed in a range of ways. People find that normal day to day life can be complicated by sleeping and eating problems, anxiety, depression, and a range of other responses. These are normal reactions after experiencing events out of the ordinary. This leaflet covers some of the feelings you are likely to have after your child is sexually assaulted and offers some suggestions for coping with them.

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  Guilt And Blame

  Guilt is almost universal when a child has been sexually assaulted and can feel overwhelming. When things go wrong in our lives it is a natural response to want to blame someone or something. Often we need to blame because it is less painful than admitting one is totally helpless. Guilt can be easier to handle than feeling powerless. Most parents blame themselves and may also blame the child. It is common to think ' why did you go there?' or 'why didn't you tell me?' or ' I've told you never to let anyone touch you '. Your child is likely to be even more busy blaming themselves.

  Women may feel particularly guilty because we are taught that it is our job to keep our children safe. Mothers tend to have more day to day responsibilty for their children and may feel guilty for not noticing behaviour changes or for not listening carefully enough.

  "I really felt I had failed as a mother. It's my job to keep her safe. I should have realised something was happening to her".

  The reality is that we can never protect our children from everything.

  The only real blame for sexual assault lies with the offender. Nothing any victim EVER does makes them responsible for sexual assault. Any child can at any time be tricked, bribed, threatened or forced into a sexual assaultive situation.

  It can be helpful to try and pinpoint exactly what you feel guilty about. In this way you can apportion blame where is belongs -with the offender. You can write down exactly what you feel bad about or regret e.g. "I wish I had noticed that Jane did not like going to my brother's house" or "I wish I had not thought that Tom's bedwetting was about starting school". In this way you can admit mistakes but place the blame with the offender. One mother said "I know he was responsible for the assaults but I think we showed bad judgement in trusting him - I didn't trust my gut feeling that he was too good with the children."

  It can be helpful to write a letter to your child apologising for any mistakes you feel you made. You can decide later whether to give it to your child.

  Do everything you can to assist your child's recovery

  Remember that feeling guilty encourages children to feel guilty. If you forgive yourself you allow your child to forgive themselves.

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  Shame

  Shame is a powerful and painful feeling that most people experience when sexual assault touches their lives. It stems from the secrecy that surrounds sexual assault and it helps to perpetuate that secrecy. Mothers often feel ashamed when their children are sexually assaulted. There is a fear that people will think you are a bad mother or that it is a reflection of your relationship with your child. It is easy to tell a school that your child has broken a leg but can be difficult and humiliating to tell them about sexual assault.

  "The worst thing was telling the teacher. I felt like children must. I thought she thought it was all my fault "

  Your child will also be feeling ashamed and will feel the stigma of having been sexually assaulted. They will feel they are dirty, damaged and unloveable. You are in the best position to help them overcome those feelings. Shame thrives in silence when you believe you are the only one. The best way to fight it is for you and your child to talk and to challenge the silence.

  It is worth consulting your child about who in the family and immediate environment should be told what has happened. Some people may not be that supportive often because they are so uncomfortable about it

  "Telling my mother was terrible. She kept asking why she (4yr old daughter) had 'let him do it'. She did not understand that she had no choice."

  Some people do need to know so they can support you and your child but many children react very badly if they feel every one knows.

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  Fear

  Fear about a range of things is a normal feeling for mothers that is often difficult to express. You can feel frightened of what the offender may do to you and your child for telling. You may feel afraid that the offender will harm themselves. You may have terrifying nightmares. One mum said she woke at 3.00 am terrified that the offender who was in prison would hire a hitman to kill her and the children for going to the police.

  You may feel vulnerable because you feel that the offender has all the power. In fact once a child has told the offender loses power. They are only strong when their victims are silent. Remembering your strength and power and admitting your fears can make them more manageable. Discussing what frightens you helps to shrivel the fears.

  Mothers are often also frightened of the consequences for their children. It is helpful to ask yourself what you are most afraid of for them and discuss it with someone.

  Anger

  Anger is a strong and healthy emotion which is a vital part of recovery for you and your child. It is normal to feel angry when someone has hurt you and your loved ones. Anger can also be an overwhelming and frightening feeling and you can feel consumed with rage. Thoughts of revenge can fill your head.

  "I spent all the time thinking of more creative ways to punish him".

  Dreams of revenge are quite normal but acting on them will ultimately hurt you and your child more. It is helpful to share your thoughts of revenge with someone and write them down. Anger is energy and you can use it constructively to benefit you and your child.

  Some ideas:

  • Punching a pillow;
  • Destroying a picture of the offender
  • Throwing things
  • Screaming/smashing plates
  • Writing letters to the media
  • Writing letters to the offender (not to send)
  • Sharing your anger with your child.

  It is positive to give permission to be angry about being hurt and together you can find ways to express that anger safely.

  "We took up basketball and channelled all our anger energy into it. The angrier we were the better we played."

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  Grief

  The sexual assault of a child evokes deep feelings of loss and sadness. It is a kind of mourning for the loss of childhood and innocence. There can be real sadness for the loss of trust and the ability to trust in the future. For parents and children who loved the offender there is grief for that relationship. It can be extremely painful to love someone who hurts you and your children. It is normal to grieve for the relationship and to feel confused. The offender has betrayed you and your child. Many mothers whose children have been assaulted by someone they loved can feel sorry for them and then feel guilty for feeling that. It is a normal response and just because someone does something terrible does not mean you stop loving them.

  Again it is helpful to acknowledge your grief, share it, write it down, draw it, sing it whatever works best for you.. It is a normal part of the process of recovering.

  Sexuality

  Many mothers find that the sexual assault of their child has a real impact on their sexuality which can be difficult to talk about. Some mothers feel guilty about getting any pleasure from something that hurt their child. Others feel unable to have sex at all. Others may crave the comfort they get from their sexuality. You can feel repulsed and revolted by what your child experienced. It is most important to admit these feelings and thoughts. If you can discuss them openly and honestly with a partner/counsellor/friend it will be easier to resolve them.

  Sexual assault is about one person abusing their power to hurt another in a sexual way. Sex is about closeness,intimacy, love, comfort and pleasure. They are not in the least bit the same.

  Dealing With The System

  Over night you can become involved with police, legal and medical systems of which you might have little understanding. It can feel overwhelming to suddenly have to deal with unfamiliar people and procedures. There are frequently difficulties with the systems you find yourself in that can sometimes feel they have little regard for you or your child as victims. People often feel ignored and marginalised as police and legal procedures get under way. Things often take a long time and can be difficult to understand. All this can happen while you are in emotional turmoil and making decisions can be extremely hard.

  The systems are the only ones we have, good, bad or indifferent. We can only do what we can within them.

  "We thought about what we would tell her when she turns 18. We wanted to be able to say that we did everything we could: reporting to the police, getting counselling and applying for crimes compensation."

  It can be helpful to hear other parent's experiences and to direct energy in to changing the system.

  "I gave evidence to a Parliamentary Committee about child sexual assault. It really made me feel much stronger to do something constructive."

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  Relationship With Your Child

  Sexual assault affects parents' relationships with their child in the same way as it does with your partner. All the feelings outlined can become part of how you relate to your child. On the positive side it can mean that you communicate more with them and become more aware of their thoughts and feelings. Less positive can be dealing with a range of behaviours that challenge even the most devoted of parents. Constant bedwetting; lack of sleep; aggression and clinginess can make you feel angry with your child and then guilty for being angry. The child's behaviours are reflections of their feelings. If the feelings can be talked about the behaviour disappears.

  Above all remember that this crisis will pass and it will become easier to live with as time goes by. Sharing your experiences with other parents can really help.

  You, most of all, have the potential to help your child recover. You have the power and strength to support and heal .

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  Feelings About The Offender

  If the person who assaulted your child was a stranger or acquaintance it is easier to express anger and hurt. The struggle is then to understand why they do it.

  If the person was a close relative or partner there is shock and sometimes denial. You may feel that you are in a position of having to choose between a partner and a child. There are fears that people will blame you. It is a widely held belief that mothers must know if their partner is abusing a child. In fact it is rare for mothers to know. Offenders are very clever at hiding their abuse. You may feel concern and compassion about the offender or fear him going to prison. You can also feel guilty about those feelings.

  "I hate what he did to her. I want to kill him. But then I feel sad for him and worried about what will happen to him. He is my brother and I can't just stop loving him. I feel like I've lost him- He won't be there for me anymore."

  "I've lost my Dad if I tell the police. Maybe he'll stop doing it now."

  There are no right or wrong feelings when your child has been sexually assaulted there are just lots of them!

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  Ways Of Coping

  1. acknowledge your own painful feelings and difficult thoughts. Share them with friends, partners, family or counsellors. Try writing a journal.
  2. talk to your child as much as possible about every aspect of what's happening to them and you. Expressing your feelings gives them permission to express theirs.
     "You need to talk about every aspect of it not just once but about 5000 times".
  3. do every thing that you can to assist your child e.g. statements, crimes comp, medicals, counselling, education. This helps you feel that you are back in control.
  4. keep a diary (include photos, details of counselling names of relevant people) to record the things you and your child did and the details of dates and events, copies of statements. This can be helpful to give to children when they are older and need to make sense of what happened again as they grow up. Although it may seem a strange thing to do and may feel as if you are dwelling on what happened, it does have very positive results. One boy aged 11 kept everything in a folder. He said it was good to look at it again when he needed to but that it was also good to have it in one folder and put it away.
  5. find out as much as possible about child sexual assault. It really helps to have information. Talk to other parents and professionals get books and videos from library and welfare agencies.
  6. seek out professional help through counsellors and support groups or start your own! If you have experienced sexual assault yourself it is a good idea to see a counsellor for yourself. You too deserve to be cared for.
  7. try to spend some individual 'special' time with your child doing something you both enjoy away from other demands. This benefits your relationship and gives your child a real sense of being loved. It can help you to have pleasurable experiences with your child and know how you are contributing to both your own and your child's recovery.

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  Mothers Stories

  Susan

  I think there will always be a part of me that wants to deny what he did to our children. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was believing them because it meant I had to admit to being a terrible mother and that my relationship with him was a total sham. We had a great life (I thought), with two happy daughters, enough money, a good marriage physically and emotionally. When the girls reached puberty they became moody and withdrawn but it was easy to put it down to them being teenagers. Bill and I talked about it and I really felt that we would weather the teenage years together.

  He seemed to have a good relationship with them. When the younger girl was thirteen she told a teacher at school and the first I knew was when child protection were on the doorstep. They insisted Bill move out or they would remove the girls. I knew I had to protect my children but I felt very resentful that I had to make a choice so quickly. No one seemed to realise how I was feeling. I only existed as a mother not as a woman whose marriage had been destroyed. I was trying to cope with two distressed children and my own sense of loss and grief. I had to try and deal with the flux of his terrible betrayal of me. Everyone thinks I must have known what he was doing but I didn't. We spent twenty years together. He was my best friend, my lover and my husband. He supported me, gave me confidence and made me laugh. It never crossed my mind that he would be capable of raping his own daughters.

  For a long time afterwards I was very depressed. I kept going for the girls and did everything I could to support them. Eventually the girls' counsellor put me in touch with another mother in the same situation as me. It was such a relief to talk about me and to openly grieve. I'd spent so long fighting the feelings I thought I was not allowed to have. When I did start talking I could not stop. The girls and I went over everything many times until we had made some sense of what happened to all of us.

  I have had to be so strong but I feel so vulnerable. I hate being a single parent and I miss having a partner. I do not think I'll ever have another relationship. I could never trust another man

  Jean

  My father sexually assaulted me for five years until I left home at fifteen. I never told my Mum and I thought I had got over it. I married and had two sons. It never occurred to me that Dad would abuse anyone else. I thought I was the only one 'bad' enough for him to abuse. I knew it was my own fault so I couldn't see how he could abuse anyone else. Anyway my kids were boys and they were only babies. I thought they were safe.

  When the boys were three and four they went to stay with Mum and Dad for a week because I was in hospital for an operation. When they came home they told me about the game Grandpa played with their doodles. They were so brave to tell me because he said I'd never come out of hospital if they told. I was in shock for ages then I cracked up. I promised I'd never let it happen to them but I just did not believe he would do that. I was consumed with anger. I spent all my time plotting revenge. The police did not prosecute because the boys are so young and because he denied it. I was really angry about that too. What sort of world lets people do this to kids. The boys had to wait for ages for counselling. It's all wrong. I've had thoughts of murder and planting bombs. It's scary, I've never felt violent before.

  It's had a bad effect on my relationship with my husband. I'm frightened he blames me for letting them go there. He's gone very withdrawn and spends all his time in his shed. He's been great with the boys though and supported them when I haven't been able to. I've lost my Mum too. I tried to spare her the pain before but I couldn't this time. Maybe if I'd told her when I was a kid we wouldn't be in this mess.

  Recently, I started counselling. I'm beginning to see how much I blame myself when I should be blaming him. In a way it's easier to blame yourself. I've also begun to look at what he did to me and see how that's affected my life. It made me feel so helpless in relation to Dad that I could not make choices or decisions. Because I thought it was my fault I could not see the risk to anyone else. The counsellor has helped me do positive things with my anger and that's given me more energy to help myself and my children.

  Clare

  We moved to the city for my husband's job and knew very few people. I enrolled the children (two girls and a boy) in the local primary school. I got involved with the school because it seemed the best way to get to know people. One teacher and his family lived in the same street and we started to see them socially. Sometimes it seemed a bit over the top because they were always calling round and inviting us there. We had a lot of common interests and regularly played cards with them. We were pleased that he took such an interest in the children and he was always playing computer games with them in his study. He offered to babysit while we to the cinema every week. The children liked him and did not show any signs of being uncomfortable with him

  It all seems so obvious when you look back but at the time I could not have believed it. He just seemed to be so good with kids. I'd been taking my son to the doctor for recurrent urinary infections and the youngest girl was having nightmares and bed wetting but we put it down to other things. I'd always told the children to tell me if anyone ever touched them.

  One day the police were on the doorstep. They said they had arrested him and he had admitted assaulting all three of our children and four others. It was so hard for the children because they were torn by their loyalty to him and his family. They did not want him to go to jail they just wanted him to stop abusing them. It has been a dreadful time for all of us. I have nightmares every night and I'm so frightened he might seek revenge on us for making statements. I'm terrified for the children. Will this ruin their lives?

  For a while it was very hard for me to have sex with my husband. I knew he felt rejected but I couldn't help thinking of what happened to my children. How could I enjoy something that hurt my children.

  He got a suspended sentence and that just made me so angry. He's destroyed our lives and he's walking the streets. I got to know the parents of the other children and we began to meet as a support for each other. It really has helped and made me realise that my reactions are normal. I have an outlet now for how I feel so the rest of the time I can concentrate on helping the children recover. They are doing really well. They know it was not their fault and that they are just the same people they always were. In many ways we both communicate with them better than before, It is a joy to see them recovering and getting stronger. I'm so proud of them and myself too, I suppose. None of us escape tragedy in our lives, it's how you deal with it that makes the difference. I'm not going to let one bad person ruin our lives.

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