Information for parents

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Contents

• Disclosure
• Guilt and blame
• Loss
• Fear
• Shame
• Trust
• Anger
• Gender differences
• What helps children recover

This leaflet looks at children's experiences of sexual assault and offers suggestions of ways for parents to support their children. The trauma of child sexual assault can be overcome and parents/carers have the most to offer children who are recovering from sexual assault. Research suggests that there are three things that promote children's recovery:-

1. Supportive parents/carers who believe the child
2. Childs own personality and self esteem
3. A neutral person the child can talk to about the assault

It can often be a long process for children to recover and requires patience and understanding .It can be helpful to look at the assault as a major injury which will take time and care to heal. Although you and your child will always live with the fact the assault happened it does not mean that it has to ruin your lives. Children can and do recover from sexual assault and so do their parents.

Children experience a range of reactions to sexual assault which can be related to the severity and duration of the abuse and the identity of the offender. Their responses depend on their own personality and social circumstances. This leaflet aims to explore some of the most common responses children have at all ages and offer suggestions to parents in dealing with those responses..

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Disclosure

(Alternative heading You are very brave)

Discovering that your child has been sexually assaulted is devastating and usually families experience real crisis. For children, the experience of discovery or disclosure is extremely difficult. It takes enormous courage for children to tell about sexual assault when they may have been threatened and believe that terrible things will happen if they tell. Children tend to feel responsible for the reactions of adults around them. Children invariably believe that they are to blame for the assault and so expect disclosure to bring disaster.

The reasons children have not told about the assault before offers clues as to the nature of the trauma that has happened to them. There are a number of reasons why children fear disclosure which are outlined below.

1. The child may have a close, loving and/or dependent relationship with the offender
2. The child may have been threatened with death or injury to themselves, loved ones or pets.
3. The offender may be close to the child's parents (e.g. father, brother etc.) and the child wants to protect the parent from this
4. The child's body may have responded to sexual stimulation causing immense guilt and shame. Offenders will often deliberately stimulate a child who does not understand what is happening to their body. This does not mean that there was enjoyment but that the body has responded in the same way as a reflex or sneezing over which one has no control.
5. The child may have been bribed with things that they want causing guilt that prevents children telling.
6. The child may have been made to feel special with lots of affection and attention from the offender.
7. The child may not understand that what is happening is wrong.
8. The child fears the consequences of telling, believing the offender may kill themselves or go to jail or that the family will split up.
9. Children fear that adults will not believe them.
10. Children feel too ashamed and embarrassed to tell.
11. Children can believe that they will lose too much by telling especially if the offender is a family member.

The most important way to support children when they disclose is to fully believe them. Children rarely lie about sexual assault. In fact, children will always disclose the minimum information to adults to assess the adults' reactions before they feel safe enough to disclose every thing that has happened to them. Disclosure is an act of enormous courage for children. It is a request for support and protection. It makes them very vulnerable. We can all contribute to a child's recovery by responding in the best possible ways.

"It is so hard to tell. I sat in my room and cried and cried. I knew I had to tell Mum but I was so afraid of so many things. I went into the kitchen and she was cooking. I said I had something to say to her but then I just told her something about school. In the end I took a deep breath and pinched my leg really hard and just said it. She started crying and hugged me and asked me lots of questions. Then she went and got Dad. I was really scared of what he would say but it was ok. He cried too" Girl aged 11.

Many children never disclose but the assault is discovered. This can be very hard for children because they have not prepared themselves for telling. Even if they are asked children may not be able to tell.

"The policewoman came and asked me at school whether he had ever done anything to me. She said he had done it to other kids. I was too scared to tell her. I did not want to get him into trouble. He's my Dad."

It can help to know how hard it is for children when sexual assault is disclosed/discovered and to recognise their bravery. The most positive aspect is that the assault can now be stopped.

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Guilt And Blame

(Alternative heading It's not my fault)

Children almost always believe they are responsible in some way when they are sexually assaulted. Children tend to see themselves as the centre of their world so if something bad happens to them they feel it must be because they are bad.

"It must be my fault. He must have been paying me back for something I did to him. I don't know what but it must have been my fault" ( Girl aged 9)

"He did it because I was naughty" (Girl aged 4)

"There must have been something about me that made him do it" (Boy aged 10)

Offenders understand that children feel it is their fault and will frequently tell them it is.

Regardless of age victims of sexual assault will blame themselves for the assaults and the consequences of the assault especially after disclosure/discovery. If the offender has been trusted, liked or loved by the family and/or the family is dependent upon them then the guilt is even greater.

Guilt and self blame are often hidden by children who quickly learn that adults want to hear them say 'It's not my fault'. Children must truly understand that it is not their fault before they can believe it. It is crucial that this happens otherwise the guilt festers and seriously affects children's view of themselves.

There needs to be an age appropriate understanding that can develop as the child matures. For a pre-schooler, they can grasp the concept of a 'naughty grown up to hurt and scare me' and 'grown ups are not allowed to touch children's private parts'. Older children can understand that adults can and do trick children and make them believe it's their fault like Scar does to Simba in the Lion King when he tells him that he is to blame for his father's death. Teenagers can learn why offenders need to make the victim take the blame.

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Loss

Children who have experienced trauma will have a real sense of loss and sadness. For many children who have been assaulted by people they know/love/trust and depend on, the feeling of loss is immense. Some children may fear this loss more than the abuse. They also lose their ability to trust and to have easy relationships. They lose their self esteem and sense of innate goodness. They lose their innocence and their right to a safe and carefree childhood. They can lose friends at school and whole sections of extended family.

Recovery from sexual assault needs to grieve these losses for children and parents. It is possible then to rebuild and regain some of the loss of trust and self esteem. Some things cannot be regained but possibly other things develop to compensate like closer relationships.

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Fear

(Alternative heading You are safe now)

Most children feel very frightened during sexual assault and after disclosure/discovery. If they or their loved ones have been threatened then children live in terror. Some of their behaviour is likely to be related to their fears. In younger children the fears may be non specific and will manifest itself in frequent and recurring monster nightmares. It is useful to ask children directly and in detail about their dreams so they can share their fears. Monsters are very real to all young children and they do not believe adults if they say they are not there! You can join with the child in the battle against monsters by telling them to 'go away' firmly or pretending to power hose them or drawing a picture of them and putting it in a glass jar tightly sealed. This helps children gain some control over their fears and helps them to feel safe when adults respond to them at their level.

If children can be encouraged to share details of their fears then it becomes possible to address them. One girl of 9 was terrified her father was coming to abduct her after she disclosed his assaults. It was possible to work out with her plans of action to protect herself in every place she went. She also started to carry a whistle which she could use in an emergency. With her permission her teacher was told of her fears so that she could respond too.

Most children see the offender as immensely powerful which they are in relation to the child. It is common then for children to imbue them with additional powers such as escaping from jail and getting through locked doors. Some fears may appear irrational to an adult but they are very real to the child. One teenage boy became frightened at night because he felt the offender ( who was actually in prison) was outside the house. He felt that he had been unable to protect himself from the offender previously and feared he would be assaulted again. This was made worse by feeling that as a boy he should be able to overpower the offender. The fact of telling someone his fears which he was initially too ashamed to share was sufficient to help him feel better.

Most children's fears come from feeling very powerless and controlled by the offender. Sharing fears make them more manageable and possible to devise ways of children feeling they have a little more personal power. Practical steps such as whistles/ personal alarms, self defence and dogs can all contribute to helping children feel more in control.

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Shame

(Alternative heading You are good and loveable and worthy)

Children often feel ashamed and dirty following sexual assault. They can be full of self disgust and self blame. They may believe and feel different and isolated and think that once other people know they will treat them differently. It is this view of themselves that can lead to long term problems with self esteem. It is important that children's beliefs about themselves are challenged to counteract their destructive effect.

It is helpful to undermine the secrecy that surrounds sexual assault by encouraging children to express and explore their feelings rather than hiding them. It is essential for children to say everything that has happened to them. It can take a while before children will share all the details of the assault because they fear the consequences of people's reactions. They become very sensitive to changes in the way people relate to them as they look for evidence to support their belief that they are different and damaged. They will frequently withhold what they believe are the most shameful aspects of the abuse and will often not put everything in a police statement. Parents can find it difficult to hear details of the abuse but if children believe the abuse is so shameful it can not be listened to how can they live with it. When everything is known about the assaults it is possible to truly demonstrate that whatever has happened to them they are still the same person they were before the abuse. Nothing that has happened has changed the person they are. They are still worthy, loveable, good and clean.

Although it is important for the child to share all the experience with someone they also need to have some control over who knows. As adults we are able to choose people we tell about private matters. It helps to discuss with your child who needs to know.

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Trust

(We will not let you down)

When children are sexually assaulted it undermines their ability to trust both themselves and adults. If they have been assaulted by a known and loved adult the sense of betrayal distorts all their relationships with other adults. They become fearful of losing affection and clingy, desperate to know they are still loved. Children rely on adults for their fundamental existence and it can be terrifying for children to feel that they cannot depend on adults.

Children like adults learn to trust again through consistent loving relationships with people close to them. They also need to relearn to trust themselves. It is difficult to trust yourself if you believe you are responsible for terrible things happening to you. The feelings of powerlessness and helplessness that children have can be overcome once they begin to believe they have some control over their lives. It can be really successful to give children choices about things after disclosure/discovery for example going to counselling, who is told , what will help them feel safe again. They can learn that they can trust themselves and other people the stronger they become.

"It was really hard to trust my Dad again. I think he thinks it was my fault. He did not seem to care what happened to me" Boy aged 12

"You won't like me if I tell you what he did" Girl aged 4

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Anger

Anger is a healthy reaction but it can feel very frightening because it can feel out of control. Anger needs to be expressed in a constructive way that does bring release. Most children will feel angry at some stage of their recovery and it is healthy to feel cross that you have been hurt. Children need permission to express anger and guidance to help them do so constructively. Parents too will feel great anger and its release can be a shared activity. If the offender is loved it can make it more difficult to risk being angry. It can be helpful for children to see adults being angry in a constructive way because it shows them that you can have a strong emotion and survive it. It also demonstrates that it is safe to show feelings in a supportive setting.

Children may well feel angry with their parents at some point. This does not mean it is your fault. It is logical sometimes for children to feel angry with the people closest to them.

"I felt angry that she did not notice. I was causing all this trouble and hoping someone would ask the right question" (Adult survivor)

"I felt angry that Dad even had that brother. I know it was not his fault but I still felt angry with him. If it had not been my uncle it would have been easier to tell"

Anger can become destructive when it is not expressed. It tends to be turned inwards where a child will direct it at themselves. This erodes self esteem and contributes to children feeling bad about themselves.

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Gender Differences

Girls and boys react differently to sexual assault in some respects which relate to the different expectations they have of themselves. They are also likely to express their feelings in different ways.

Girls

Girls almost always believe that their bodies have been permanently damaged. If there has been penetration they believe that there is internal damage. They think that anything that has been painful will somehow have damaged them. Medical examinations are not just about seeking physical evidence but also about reassuring girls that their genitals and reproductive parts are still working.

" I always thought that what he did must have stopped me being able to have children" Girl age 17 assaulted at 7.

" There must be something wrong with me now- he made me bleed" Girl age 7

Girls are affected by social expectations about how they look and from a very early age are influenced by ideas of way girls should and should not do. Social emphasis on being physically attractive to men and boys is very strong. Girls often believe the offender assaulted them because of how they look. Offenders will frequently tell girls it is their fault for being too sexy or for tempting them. The idea of 'provocative' little girls continues in our society increasing the guilt and self blame girls feel and causing them to dislike and distrust their bodies.

Girls in our society are told that they should be passive. Girls are more likely to withdraw and to turn their feelings inward. They often try to disguise their feelings by being super good and not causing any fuss. They sometimes fear being angry and find it hard to express it.

Boys

Boys are told that they should be physically strong and so often believe that they should have been able to overpower the offender. They believe they are weak and powerless not to have done so and feel guilty for being weak.

"I should have kicked him. If I'd been wearing my blundies I'd have been able to " Boy age 8 weighing 3 stone- Offender age 35 weighing approx 16 stone.

Boys are also likely to fear that sexual assault by a male makes them homosexual. Homophobia is alive and well in the playground and 'poofter' is a common form of abuse to boys when they do not perform according to male rules

''Come on - you're playing like a bunch of poofters" Adult coach to under 8 team in training.

This fear is real for very young boys and increases the shame and confusion they feel. Boys need to know that their sexuality has nothing to do with the sexual assault. Sex Education can actively work against these fears by giving boys good information about homosexuality.

These two beliefs can make it hard for boys to tell because they will have to admit to weakness and unclear sexuality.

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What Helps Children Recover

1. Talking

Talking about what has happened is the single most important way to support a child. Often parents and children are reluctant to talk about painful things but not talking does not mean not feeling. The feelings are still there but if they are not aired in some way they grow and become more powerful and ultimately more destructive. Sometimes parents think their child must have forgotten about the assault but even if they forget or 'block out' the details of the assault the feelings are likely to still be there.

Children's behaviour reflects their feelings and gives us clues as to how the trauma has affected them. One boy age 13 withdrew from all his sporting activities following discovery of his assaults. When this was discussed with him it became clear that he felt ashamed that other people in the activities knew he had experienced sexual assault and that he felt afraid with the coaches.

Talking also reveals what is likely to remind children and 'trigger' their feelings. As children recover and become strong again they may have bad moments when they feel all the difficult feelings again. Adults may be totally unaware of what these triggers are. One girl 5, was bribed with lollies by the offender. It emerged that it was specific lollies he always gave her and every time someone else gave her the same lollies she was triggered in to feeling as she did when she was being assaulted.

Parents can often feel apprehensive about talking to their child about the assault and how they are feeling. They can fear that they will make things worse. Be reassured that talking never makes things worse, not talking can.

Counselling is very helpful for children to communicate their feelings in a safe place. Often children can feel uneasy about talking about the assaults to parents because they do not want to upset them. See counselling leaflet for furthur information.

2. Sex Education

Children's first understanding about sexual matters can be sexual assault. It is vital that they receive correct information about sex after sexual assault to counteract what negative knowledge they have learnt from the assault. It is easy for children to confuse sexual assault with sex and it is essential that they understand there is a huge difference. Some parents are reluctant to give children sex education too early but if they have been assaulted they need to know what is right and what is wrong.

For many children the effects of sexual assault is made worse when puberty hits them. It can be empowering for them to understand how their body works and help them feel in control. Ignorance can be dangerous.

There are a number of useful books to assist parents to talk to their children about sex.

3. Information

For parents and children it is most helpful to learn everything you can about sexual assault. It helps you to feel less isolated and gives you a sense of control. There is a lot of literature and video material for parents and children about sexual assault. It can be a good way to make it easier to talk about if you watch a video or read a story together.

As well as general information it can be very useful to collect information about your child's particular circumstances. Although it may appear morbid and seem like you are dwelling on what happened it has proved to be really helpful for children at later stages of their recovery. Children will inevitably need to make sense of what has happened as they get older. For example,a child who was assaulted at 7 will need to understand again at 13 what was done to them. One way to help them is to let them read their statement, or victim impact statement or any newspaper cuttings or maybe diaries you kept etc.

"I started to have dreams about it again. I did not understand, I thought I was over it. I kept thinking it was my fault. I went back to talk to Mum and she showed me the diary she had written at the time and my statement to the police. She even had a photo of me at 9. It was really good to read it all. I could make sense of it again. When I saw the photo I remembered that it could not have been my fault- I was a child" Girl aged 17

Recovering from sexual assault is a process and major life events can bring back all the feelings eg, puberty, first consensual sexual relationship, giving birth, your child reaching the same age as when the assault occured. If information about the assault is kept then it is easier to deal with the feelings when they reoccur.

In some ways it is also helpful to have all the relevant information together and to make a choice about putting it away. If it was a different childhood trauma eg death of a parent/sibling or a serious car accident or a life threatening illness it would be relatively easy to go back to a parent to talk about it as an adult.

4 Self Esteem

Children suffer a dramatic loss of self esteem after sexual assault. Parents can help children recover it in a number of ways

1. Treat your child in the same way as you always have. This helps them feel safe and reminds them that they are the same person they always were.
2. Involve your child in decisions e.g. who is told, should you move or should you do a victim impact statement
3. Spend some special time alone with your child doing something you both enjoy
4. Help them to regain a good sense of their body by doing something physical e.g. swimming or gymnastics or tai chi.
5. Children who have experienced sexual assault often have difficulties at school. If all their energy has gone into coping with the assault they have had little left over for learning. Failing at school can exacerbate their low self esteem. Practical steps can be taken by you and their teachers to help children catch up. See specific behaviours leaflet
6. Remind children that they are safe and loved.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 12 Jul 2003