For non-offending parents

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Supporting non-offending family members

Research has consistently shown that supportive and empowered caregivers play a major role in lessening the negative impacts of trauma on children and in promoting healing and recovery. It is therefore critical that non-offending parents, caregivers and family members are given appropriate information and support to enable them to deal with their own feelings and to provide the support necessary for the abused child.

Discovering that a child has been sexually assaulted is a shocking and traumatic experience for parents and caregivers which impacts both on their sense of self as a parent and as a person. It is painful to care for a child who has been hurt and frightened and it can also trigger memories and feelings associated with difficult experiences from their own childhood. It can have a significant impact on how you see yourself and your relationships.

Parents and family members can have a range of reactions that can be frightening and that become expressed in a range of ways. They may find that normal day to day life can be complicated by sleeping and eating problems, anxiety, depression, and a range of other responses. These are normal reactions after experiencing events out of the ordinary and parents and caregivers need to be reassured and supported. Some of the feelings often experienced by parent/caregivers include:

Guilt and blame

Guilt is almost universal when a child has been sexually assaulted and can feel overwhelming. When things go wrong in our lives it is a natural response to want to blame someone or something. Often we need to blame because it is less painful than admitting one is totally helpless. Guilt can be easier to handle than feeling powerless. Most parents blame themselves and may also blame the child. It is common to think 'why did you go there?' or 'why didn't you tell me?' or 'I've told you never to let anyone touch you'. The child is already likely to be blaming themselves.

Women may feel particularly guilty because we are taught that it is our job to keep our children safe. Mothers tend to have more day to day responsibility for their children and may feel guilty for not noticing behaviour changes or for not listening carefully enough.

"I really felt I had failed as a mother. It's my job to keep her safe. I should have realised something was happening to her."

Men may feel guilty because society tells us that it is a man's job to protect women and children. There is a real sense of failure as a father when your child is assaulted. The powerlessness can be even more frightening than feeling guilty for men. Feeling powerless is often very difficult for men who are expected to always be in control. Some men may feel guilty for being male when men are mainly responsible for sexual abuse and violence.

The reality is that we can never protect our children from everything.

The only real blame for sexual assault lies with the offender. Nothing any victim EVER does makes them responsible for sexual assault. Any child can at any time be tricked, bribed, threatened or forced into a sexually assaultive situation.

It can be helpful for parents to try and pinpoint exactly what they feel guilty about. In this way they can apportion blame where is belongs - with the offender. They can write down exactly what they feel bad about or regret e.g. "I wish I had noticed that Jane did not like going to my brother's house" or "I wish I had not thought that Tom's bedwetting was about starting school". In this way they can admit mistakes but place the blame with the offender. One mother said "I know he was responsible for the assaults but I think we showed bad judgement in trusting him - I didn't trust my gut feeling that he was too good with the children."

Let parents know that feeling guilty can encourage children to feel guilty. If they forgive themselves they allow their child to forgive themselves. Guilt and blame belong to the offender NOT the child or the people who care for them.

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Shame

Shame is a powerful and painful feeling that most people experience when sexual assault touches their lives. It stems from the secrecy that surrounds sexual assault and it helps to perpetuate that secrecy. Mothers often feel ashamed when their children are sexually assaulted. There is a fear that people will think you are a bad mother or that it is a reflection of your relationship with your child. It is easy to tell a school that your child has broken a leg but can be difficult and humiliating to tell them about sexual assault.

"The worst thing was telling the teacher. I felt like children must. I thought she thought it was all my fault."

Fathers also feel ashamed when their child is sexually assaulted. They fear that people will think they are the perpetrator if anyone finds out.

The child will also be feeling ashamed and will feel the stigma of having been sexually assaulted. They will feel they are dirty, damaged and unloveable. Parents are in the best position to help them overcome those feelings. Shame thrives in silence when you believe you are the only one. The best way to fight it is for you and your child to talk and to challenge the silence.

Discuss with the child who in the family and immediate environment should be told what has happened. Some people may not be that supportive, often because they are so uncomfortable about it.

"Telling my mother was terrible. She kept asking why she (4yr old daughter) had 'let him do it'. She did not understand that she had no choice."

Some people do need to know so they can provide support but many children react very badly if they feel every one knows.

Parents are in the best position to actively provide their children with a good role model following sexual assault. They can confirm that their children are still loveable and good which will help banish feelings of shame. Many fathers feel confused about how they should behave following sexual assault of their child. They may become concerned about bath times or giving affection, tickles, horseplay etc. They can withdraw physically because they are worried about further traumatizing the child. When this happens children tend to think it is because they are tainted by the sexual assault and this confirms their sense of shame. Children can only benefit from love and physical affection from adults they trust after sexual assault. They need to relearn good healthy touch that makes them feel loved regardless of what has happened to them.

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Fear

Many parents and family members report feeling fearful of the offender. Sometimes they think the offender will seek revenge for the child having told. Even if the offender is in jail, parents can feel threatened by them. Parents fear meeting the offender or seeing them in court. In small communities this is more pronounced. One father spoke of feeling afraid every time he saw a similar car to that of the offender.

"I felt really frightened when I saw him in the supermarket. Other people thought I was scared because of what I could do to him but I actually felt scared of what he could do to me and the boys for telling."

Parents also have other fears for themselves and their child. Fear is not an easy feeling to admit to and people can sometimes lash out when they are afraid. Sometimes it's easier to admit to being frightened than trying to hide it. It is ok to feel afraid as this is perfectly normal. It helps to discuss fears with someone else because once fears are aired they become more manageable.

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Anger

Anger is a normal reaction to child sexual assault. It is healthy to be angry if you and those you love are hurt. Expression of that anger is not healthy if it hurts you and other people. Fathers are expected to be angry. Anger and thoughts of revenge are seen as typically male. They are also typically female. Mothers are angry too as are other non-offending family members.

Most parents feel like damaging the offender but most do not do so realising the further damage they could do to their child and themselves. One father lost his driving license and consequently his job when he went after the offender. Other fathers report feeling guilty if they do not personally assault the offender believing that they may have let their children down by not doing so. In fact, by remaining within the system you provide a good role model for your children.

Children often feel responsible for what occurs after the disclosure/discovery of sexual assault and believe they are to blame for the repercussions of revenge. It can be helpful for parents to share thoughts of revenge with someone and write them down. Anger is energy and you can use it constructively to benefit you and your child.

Some ideas:

• punching a pillow
• destroying a picture of the offender
• throwing things
• screaming/smashing plates
• writing letters to the media
• writing letters to the offender (not to send).

Encourage parents to share their anger with their child. It is positive to give permission to be angry about being hurt and together you can find ways to express that anger safely.

"We went over to the dam and spent a while throwing bigger and bigger stones into the water, shouting as we did it. We ended up having fun as well as getting rid of some of the anger."

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Grief

The sexual assault of a child evokes deep feelings of loss and sadness. It is a kind of mourning for the loss of childhood and innocence. There can be real sadness for the loss of trust and the ability to trust in the future. For parents and children who loved the offender there is grief for that relationship. It can be extremely painful to love someone who hurts you and your children. It is normal to grieve for the relationship and to feel confused. The offender has betrayed you and your child. Many parents whose children have been assaulted by someone they loved can feel sorry for them and then feel guilty for feeling that. It is a normal response and just because someone does something terrible does not mean you stop loving them.

Again it is helpful to encourage family members to acknowledge their grief, share it, write it down, draw it, sing it whatever works best for you. It is a normal part of the process of recovering.

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Sexuality

It is unusual for the sexual assault of a child not to have an impact on the sexuality of the parents. There are many different reactions which are normal and natural. Some parents want to avoid sex altogether; they may feel revolted by what has happened and feel unable to enjoy their sexual relationships. Others may seek comfort from sex as a powerful antidote to sadness and loss. Parents have reported intrusive thoughts of their child's abuse when they are having sex. Parents who are not in a relationship can fear new sexual partners because their ability to trust has been undermined. Some mothers feel guilty about getting any pleasure from something that hurt their child. Others feel unable to have sex at all. Others may crave the comfort they get from their sexuality.

Sex is often seen as an acceptable way for men to show their emotions and a need for intimacy can be strong during a personal crisis. It is most important to admit these feelings and thoughts and parents should be encouraged to discuss them openly and honestly with a partner/counsellor/friend so it will be easier to resolve them.

Reinforce that sexual assault is about one person abusing their power to hurt another in a sexual way. Consensual sex is about closeness, intimacy, love, comfort and pleasure. They are not in the least bit the same.

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Dealing with systems

Overnight, parents can become involved with police, legal and medical systems which can be inadequate and frustrating. It can feel overwhelming to suddenly have to deal with unfamiliar people and procedures. There are frequently difficulties with the systems and they may seem to have little regard for them and their child as victims. People often feel ignored and marginalised as police and legal procedures get under way. Things often take a long time and can be difficult to understand. All this can happen while families are in emotional turmoil and making decisions can be hard.

Specific difficulties for fathers can be that they feel excluded from the system due to work commitments and because it is often mothers who are assumed to have the responsibility of dealing with professionals.

Systems can make you feel powerless and lacking control about what is happening to you and your family.

Our current systems are the only ones we have, good, bad or indifferent. We can only do our best within them. It can be empowering to encourage parents to share their experiences with other parents in similar circumstances and to direct energy in to changing the system.

"It felt like we were invisible in the court process. Every time I tried to get information I felt that I was being a nuisance. I just had to keep asking questions until someone listened to me."

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Relationship with the child

Sexual assault affects both parents' relationship with their child just as it does their relationship with each other. All the feelings outlined can become part of how you relate to your child. On the positive side it can mean that you communicate more with them and become more aware of their thoughts and feelings. Less positive can be dealing with a range of behaviours that challenge even the most devoted of parents. Constant bedwetting; lack of sleep; aggression and clinginess can make you feel angry with your child and then guilty for being angry. The child's behaviours are reflections of their feelings. If the feelings can be talked about the behaviour disappears.

Above all parents should be reassured that this crisis will pass and it will become easier to live with as time goes by.

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Siblings

Siblings are often ignored secondary victims of sexual assault yet they are also impacted by the trauma and changes in the family as a result of the sexual abuse of a brother or sister. Parents/caregivers should be encouraged to ensure that they have an understanding of what happened and that their fears and concerns are also addressed. They may require counselling themselves and at the very least they should be provided with appropriate resource materials to help them understand and deal with their feelings.

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Feelings about the offender

If the person who assaulted their child was a stranger or acquaintance it is easier to express anger and hurt. The struggle is then to understand why they do it. If the person was a close relative or partner there is shock and sometimes denial. They may feel they are in a position of having to choose between a partner and a child. There are fears that people will blame them. It is a widely held belief that mothers must know if their partner is abusing a child. In fact it is rare for mothers to know. Offenders are very clever at hiding their abuse.

They may feel concern and compassion about the offender or fear him going to prison. They may also feel guilty about those feelings.

"I hate what he did to her. I want to kill him. But then I feel sad for him and worried about what will happen to him. He is my brother and I can't just stop loving him. I feel like I've lost him. He won't be there for me anymore."

"I've lost my Dad if I tell the police. Maybe he'll stop doing it now."

For parents and family members there are no right or wrong feelings when a child has been sexually assaulted there are just lots of them!

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Ways of coping

1. Acknowledge your own painful feelings and difficult thoughts. Share them with friends, partners, family or counsellors. Try writing a journal.
2. Talk to your child as much as possible about every aspect of what's happening to them and you. Expressing your feelings gives them permission to express theirs.

"You need to talk about every aspect of it not just once but about 5000 times."

3. Do every thing that you can to assist your child, e.g. statements, crimes comp, medicals, counselling, education. This helps you feel that you are back in control.
4. Keep a diary (include photos, details of counselling names of relevant people) to record the things you and your child did and the details of dates and events, copies of statements. This can be helpful to give to children when they are older and need to make sense of what happened again as they grow up.
   Although it may seem a strange thing to do and may feel as if you are dwelling on what happened it does have very positive results. One boy aged 11 kept everything in a folder. He said it was good to look at it again when he needed to but that it was also good to have it in one folder and put it away.
5. Find out as much as possible about child sexual assault. It really helps to have information. Talk to other parents and professionals get books and videos from library and welfare agencies.
6. Seek out professional help through counsellors and support groups or start your own! If you have experienced sexual assault yourself it is a good idea to see a counsellor for yourself. You too deserve to be cared for.
7. Try to spend some individual 'special' time with your child doing something you both enjoy away from other demands. This benefits your relationship and gives your child a real sense of being loved. It can help you to have pleasurable experiences with your child and know how you are contributing to both your own and your child's recovery.

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Sponsor

Gippsland Centre Against Sexual Assault

Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 27 Aug 2009