Particular issues for mothers

Home: Family & Friends: For Family and Friends: For parents

Upon disclosure, mothers often feel anger, shock, grief and confusion and tend to blame themselves for not "knowing". They may also experience a crisis in parenting and lose faith in their judgement.

The complexity of the situation increases greatly, however, if the offender is a husband, partner or trusted relative. In this situation, mothers sometimes feel angry with both the child and the offender. They may also feel estranged from the child and not realise that this situation has been contrived by the offender to undermine the child's trust in the mother and prevent disclosure. Unaware of this dynamic, the mother may be struggling with a sense of divided loyalties, while trying to come to terms with what has happened.

For mothers facing this situation, counselling can provide assistance by:

• encouraging open and supportive exploration of feelings regarding the disclosure.
• providing assistance on a practical level in regard to the disintegration of the family unit.

Mothers frequently feel full of guilt, self blame and shame. Counselling should give them an opportunity to explore these feelings and reassure them that only the offender is responsible for the sexual abuse.

They may begin to question their relationship with the child, particularly if the child disclosed to someone else and if the abuse had been going on for a long time. In these circumstances the mother may ask herself: "Why couldn't she tell me?" or "Why couldn't she tell me sooner?" These doubts may have been heightened by the mother's contacts with other agencies where, intentionally or otherwise, workers appeared to be blaming her and questioning her parenting abilities.

The counsellor can help by talking with the mother about some of the reasons why the child felt unable to tell her. The offender may, for example, have threatened the child, made the child feel "bad", and encouraged the child to feel responsible for protecting both her mother and the family unit.

It is often critical for mother and child to have joint counselling so that they can explore these issues together. By learning directly from one another how the offender placed barriers between them they may begin to resolve the problems this has caused.

Laing and Kamsler (1990) highlight the importance of this aspect of joint counselling pointing out that it creates a context in which "the mother and child are invited to discover together the offender's role in dividing and deceiving them".

If the sexual abuse is intrafamilial, the mother's intense anger towards the offender may be mixed with a deep sense of loss. Soon after the initial shock of the disclosure, she may begin to see that the relationship with the offender has been clouded by deceit and betrayal of trust. She may begin to feel very alone and sad as she contemplates life without her partner, father or brother. She may also realise that the offender may be removed from the home leaving the mother to cope with the children on her own.

Mothers often feel very angry with themselves as well as with the child and the offender. Anger towards the child is often the most difficult for them to express. This anger may stem from a sense of betrayal because the child was involved in sexual activity with her husband or partner or because the child went to someone else for help.

It may also stem from the fact that the disclosure has brought about family disintegration. These feelings, and the beliefs which lie behind them need to be confronted and the mother/child relationship needs to be explored. The counsellor's role is to help mothers manage their feelings about themselves as individuals and as parents.

When abuse is intrafamilial, mothers often need practical help as they confront the disintegration of the family unit. If the child's father is the offender he may have to leave the family home. For the mother, the removal of her partner can have significant emotional, financial and practical implications. If she needs accommodation and financial support, the counsellor may be able to advocate on her behalf with the relevant agencies.

Laing, L. & Kamsler, A. (1990). Putting an end to secrecy. In C. White & M. White (Eds.), Ideas for therapy with sexual abuse (pp. 159-179). Adelaide: Dulwich Centre Publications.

Sponsor

Gippsland Centre Against Sexual Assault

Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 8 Jun 2010