What to do if a child discloses to you

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When a child tells you they have been abused, the child may be feeling scared, guilty, ashamed, angry, and powerless. You, in turn, may feel a sense of outrage, disgust, sadness, anger and sometimes disbelief.

However, it is important for you to remain calm and in control of your feelings in order to reassure the child that something will be done to keep him or her safe. The child's feelings about themselves may be influenced by your initial reaction to the abuse.

You can show your care and concern for the child by:

• Listening to the child.
• Controlling expressions of panic and/or shock.
• Expressing your belief that the child is telling the truth.
• Using the child's language or vocabulary.
• Telling the child that this has happened to other children, and that they are not the only one.
• Reassuring the child that to disclose is the right thing to do.
• Emphasising that whatever happened was not the child's fault, and that the child is not bad.
• Telling the child that you know some adults do wrong things.
• Acknowledging that it is difficult to talk about such things.
• Letting the child know that you will make a report to the appropriate authorities so that they can help stop the abuse.
• Telling the child you are pleased they told you.
• Telling the child you will do your best to support and protect them.

If you suspect abuse, but the child has not told anyone, be aware of the emotional distress that the child may be experiencing.

Approach the child in a caring and sensitive manner and assure them that you are willing to listen and to help if there is a problem.

You will not be helping the child if you:

• Make promises you cannot keep, such as promising that you will not tell anyone.
• Push the child into giving details of the abuse. Your role is to listen to what the child wants to tell you and not to conduct an investigation (beware of asking any direct questions of the child as this may prejudice any subsequent investigation).
• Indiscriminately discuss the circumstances of the child with others not directly involved in helping the child.

The child may get angry and may displace his/her anger on you. Shouting/swearing at you, or attempting to strike you, don't take this personally, even if the attack seems very personal. The child needs someone to vent his/her anger on, and because you're there and you're safe, he/she will choose you. Try to overcome your desire to hit back and continue to treat the child with caring, understanding and kindness.

Don't berate the child for their situation and don't dwell on things that are beyond his/her control "you shouldn't have let them do it", "you should have told me (earlier)", "you shouldn't have been playing there anyway." Remember: (a) you make the child feel guilty and responsible for the assault; (b) children are often not powerful enough to prevent adults from abusing them. After all, kids are expected to do what adults tell them to do; (c) the child can't change what's already happened and maybe couldn't change the circumstances anyway.

Don't dwell on the sexual aspects of the assault.

Offer unconditional, non judgmental affection. Physical acceptance (eg. through gentle cuddles) will help the child overcome feelings of loneliness, of being "dirty" or of being "unworthy" of being cared for.

Let the child decide when or if they want to talks about their feelings about the assault. Reinforce his/her feelings, help them to know that it is okay to feel that way, and emphasize that he/she is in no way responsible for what happened. Mostly, just listen!

Remember, sexual assault involves a direct attack on a person's psychological boundary. While the child is learning to re-establish an appropriate boundary for him/her self, it is important that you, as the parent, continue to set appropriate limits for the child eg. continue to set appropriate rules for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, continue to set appropriate rules aimed at protecting the child.

Be consistent and dependable.

Make sure you give your kids a clear message that they don't need to protect you from their feelings - you will get your support from somewhere else.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 1 Feb 2010