What your child might be thinking

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As well as grief and responsibility, it is likely that you and your child are experiencing a whole range of conflicting emotions. Listed below are some of the emotions children and adults may feel when sexual abuse becomes part of their experience. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Each person will react in their own way and confusion is common.

Will they believe me?

• State your belief. 'I believe you'. Children don't make up stories.

Is it my fault? Am I in trouble? I feel guilty.

• Check the child's reasoning 'what's the special reason you think it's your fault'? Work with simple logic to help the child see that it's not their fault 'What would happen if?' State your belief, 'I believe you'.

I should have told earlier.

• Check the child's reasons and validate. 'It's scary to tell, especially when you don't know what's going to happen.'
• 'I understand why you didn't tell me earlier ... I'm, glad you've told me now ... I think you are being very brave'.

Feelings toward the offender

I don't know how I feel, I'm confused. I feel angry, ambivalent, betrayed by them.

• Let the child know that they are right to feel how they feel and that what is most important is to let the feelings out.

Can people tell? I feel yuk will people still like me?

• Ask them in what ways do they feel different. Tell them the reality. Emphasise it is not something they did but something that happened to them.

Will I have funny babies when I grow up? Damaged goods syndrome.

• Use details of disclosure to realistically reassure the child. Reassure them that they are O.K.

But he said .... (threats/prophecies)

• Check the messages the child received from the offender. Destroy the messages.

What will happen now? I didn't mean to cause much trouble.

• Give appropriate and realistic information. Emphasise their right to be safe and not be sexually assaulted.
• Focus the blame where it belongs.

Everyone is upset because of me. I am responsible for the family being torn apart.

• Be clear about your feelings - "I'm angry you're hurt and I'm angry at him but not at you".
• A child is not responsible for looking after grown ups.

It might have been better for everyone if I hadn't said anything at all.

• It's hard to tell strange people intimate details.
• We will survive.
• You have the right to be safe.
• Why would someone want to assault a child?
• Children may be happy with the explanation that he is sick or has a problem or they may want more of an explanation, especially if they are older and knew the offender well enough to say he didn't seem sick.
• Talk about the difference between the way the offender sees it and the way the child sees it. He may not have meant it to be hurtful. No matter what the offender thinks it was not the child's fault and it was hurtful.

What will happen to him?

• Find out what the child is worried about rather than predict what will happen. The child may want the offender to get help/something bad to happen to them/be away so he can't hurt anyone anymore.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 26 Aug 2009