Impact of abuse - Being a parent

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'I look at my children and I say "hey this is me, if I stripped back the abuse this is who I am, I am like these kids, I am good, I am positive, I can believe in myself, I can do things, I can explore the world." I guess that's probably it in that sort of sense. I am lucky to have four great kids and to be able to just be with them and allow them to teach me.'

The experience of being a parent was often a healing and rewarding one for those participants who became fathers. Many felt extremely protective of their children, anxious that they not be placed at risk of abuse.

Feelings about their parenting role and the need for closeness with their children were often complicated by being ashamed of their own bodies. The physical aspects of parenting could bring back their own memories and the anxiety of being abused.

'I was aware of why I was there. There was still a wall between me and my children - always had been. I became very conscious in my abuse healing of the wall I had put between me and my children. That while I would support them and talk to them, I was not able to be affectionate with them, I wouldn't touch them very much, particularly my daughter who at that time was about twelve years old. Then I could feel a sense that I was moving further and further away from her. I think I was doing that for fear that I would become abusive.'

'My son needs love, affection and nurturing and I feel very affectionate but it's dangerous, it's easier to avoid dealing with the issue.'

'I get along with my kids really well. I worry about my kids a lot. I am actually playing sort of both roles. Their mother's not very affectionate so they get their cuddles and their affection from me.'

'I worry about where they go and where their mother takes them. I talk to them and they have done stranger danger at school. I explained to them that that's a really important thing but it's not always strangers. I said even if you are at school and you feel uncomfortable then tell someone.'

'I never felt too close to them, I was always a bit stand-offish with my older kids. I was also a bit authoritative too.'

'In the initial stages of my healing it was hard for me, it was very sad, I watched my children, particularly my second son who is very much like me, and who does a lot of knitting and crocheting and picking the flowers, a lot of those things we would have termed as girlie things. He is so sensitive and so loving and I watch him do that and think that would have been me if I had of had a supporting parent. In a sense whilst it brings me some sadness that I wasn't able to do that, it also brings up some joy to see him so alive, so spontaneous and to know that's me, I am alive and I am spontaneous.'

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