Family violence

Home: K to 12: Respect Protect Connect Program: Information for educators

This is an extract from the Respect Protect Connect workshop manual, by Timothy O'Leary and Russell Pratt.

"Many legal and mental health professionals may try to minimise the impact of abuse and suggest that an individual can be an abusive husband but a good father. This belief is inconsistent with our knowledge of the trauma children suffer in these circumstances." (Sudermann & Jaffe: 1999, p.37.)

Domestic violence is the "patterned and repeated use of coercive and controlling behaviour to limit, direct, and shape a partner's thoughts, feelings and actions. An array of power and control tactics is used along a continuum in concert with one another." (Almeida & Durkin,1999). Women may experience a sense of helplessness, powerlessness and a total loss of a sense of self. There will also be negative effects on self-esteem, health and sense of safety. An abused woman will be more likely to attempt suicide and abuse alcohol than a non-abused woman will.

Studies show that the rates of domestic violence against women in relationships are high. Approximately 23% of women who have been married or in a defacto relationship have experienced domestic violence from their partner (Australian Bureau of Statistics [ABS], 1996). Up to 90% of women who have experienced domestic violence stated their children had also experienced this violence (QLD D.V. Taskforce, 1988).

One-fifth of pregnant women experience violence during pregnancy. For 40%, the abuse begins during pregnancy. Bashed women were four-times more likely to miscarry or deliver low-weight babies. One-seventh of people attending a city hospital emergency department do so as a result of domestic violence (Gray, 2000). One-quarter of cases presenting to Relationships Australia (NSW) for couple counselling feature domestic violence as an issue (Shaw, Bouris & Pye, 1996).

It is a myth that the perpetrators of domestic violence are both men and women in roughly equal numbers. Wadham (1999) clarified how twenty-year old research used to suggest that men and women were equally violent ignored how male partners were more likely than women to use a higher level of violence. Wadham suggested that women's violence was more a case of self-defence. If men and women used violence in domestic spheres in equal measures, then it follows that they should be equally violent in the public realm (Wadham, 1999). Statistics clearly show that this is not the case:

• Ninety-one percent of homicides are perpetrated by males (Egger, 1995);
• Ninety percent of assaults are by men (Egger, 1995);
• Ninety-five percent of sex offenders are male; and
• Men are also the main victims of violence perpetrated by other men (Eggar, 1995).

There is growing recognition that males can be victims of physical and sexual violence as adults and during childhood. Men who are victims of domestic violence by women should seek counselling and support.

Connect:

Care Ring or Relationships Australia

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1.3.1: Why doesn't she leave?

She doesn't leave because:

• She believes, or is told that "Marriage is for life";
• He promises that he'll change;
• She feels too scared - he says he'll kill her, or the kids, if she leaves;
• She is financially dependent on him;
• She is disabled and is dependent upon abuser for her care;
• She feels there is nowhere to go;
• She is too traumatised to make empowered decisions; or
• A combination of all, or some, of the above

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1.3.2: Why doesn't she get over it?

"It is not enough to tell a survivor, however kindly, that she is wrong in her self-blame for the abuse." (Dr. Anna Salter)

In general, we expect survivors of violence to 'get over it' and 'move on' in very unrealistic terms. This also applies to survivors of trauma, women who have had miscarriages, and people who are grieving.

Respect:

Empathise with the pain a victim of domestic violence may be suffering. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what feeling powerless, trapped, or helpless is like.

Protect:

Put safety first. The use of Intervention Orders and Apprehended Violence Orders has been shown to lead to a reduction in violence. (Trimboll & Bonney, 1997)

Connect:

Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service or the Police 24 hours - 000.

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1.3.3: Boys and family violence

"Not only do children learn to be aggressive by watching others act in that fashion, there is also a 'disinhibitory' impact as well. Watching someone else be aggressive gives permission to also be aggressive. Children are likely to imitate a model they view as powerful and successful in achieving goals." (Fuller, McGraw & Goodyear, 2000; p.11)

There is a growing body of research regarding boys and domestic violence. According to Fuller et. al (2000), family violence has wide-ranging effects on children's functioning, including emotional, intellectual, social, physical and impaired coping mechanisms. Tuff Stuff (Fuller et. al., 2000) not only investigates the prevalence and patterns of domestic violence where boys are witnesses or victims, but offers practical intervention strategies to deal with the victims of these behaviours.

Research strongly suggests a number of good reasons to undertake positive interventions with boys who experience/witness domestic violence. Freedman (2000) suggested that boys subjected to domestic violence were more likely to consider that abusive behaviour in relationships was acceptable, than were young men who had not been subjected to domestic violence.

Respect:

Boys who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence need help to develop compassion for themselves and empathy for others. They also need assertiveness and conflict resolution skills.

Protect:

They require ongoing support and protection from any further domestic violence.

Connect:

Tuff Stuff is available from Berry Street Youth Services.

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1.3.4: Behaviour change programs

"Many people suffer stress, get drunk, lose their jobs, get angry or jealous without resorting to violence. There is never any excuse for a man to be violent towards a woman."
(Red Cross Men's Referral Service Poster 'Stop Violence Against Women'.)

Abuse erases trust. It is unreasonable, and unrealistic, for men who have used violence in their relationships to expect trust to return to the relationship immediately after getting help.

A behaviour change facilitator once told the author that the "motivation to change is different to actually changing". During times of high motivation, it feels like change is occurring. However, change is only ever evidenced in the long term and only after mental, emotional and behavioural changes. There needs to be a deep desire to change, and a commitment to both the change process and the goal of no longer using violence, domination and manipulation in one's relationships.

When men are challenged to take responsibility for their abusive behaviour, they often respond with silence, denial or attempts to discredit the person challenging them. If a man admits to being violent, this admission is often accompanied by an excuse. Failure to take responsibility for their actions is a key characteristic of violent men.

Men who use violence tend to 'work themselves up' with self-righteous, vengeful and blaming preoccupations. They intoxicate themselves with a range of ideas "blame, and give themselves a range of permissions to hurt other people." (Jenkins, 1997)

Taking responsibility means:

• Accepting help to stop using violence;
• Admitting the seriousness, and the extent, of the violent and abusive behaviour;
• Recognising how the abuse affects partners and/or children;
• Acknowledging that it is the offender's responsibility to change attitudes and behaviour;
• Understanding the strategic nature of how men use violence;
• Recognising that change is always possible;
• Taking a stand against masculinities that minimise and justify violence; and
• Changing what it means to be a man, and aiming for equality, rather than domination, in relationships.

It is not enough to simply stop using violence. Many men begin behaviour change programs, decrease their physical abuse, but continue to be dominating and manipulative (Muller, 1997). Combating violence and inequality is the responsibility not just of the perpetrators of that violence, but of every member of society. Research suggests that 50% of all people know a victim of violence - how we respond to their stories can vary from minimising and victim blaming, to being frightened ourselves, to providing support and validation.

Respect:

Men who disclose their use of violence need to be challenged to take responsibility. Shaming them will not help, it will just raise their defences.

Protect:

Domestic violence is against the law. For advice on intervention orders, phone Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service.

Connect:

Phone Men's Referral Service for referral to a local behaviour change program. Phone No To Violence for more information on training options, or for their manual for running men's behaviour change groups.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 21 Sep 2009