Helping a friend

Home: K to 12: For Teenagers: My body belongs to me

The best thing you can do for a friend who tells you she's being sexually abused is to listen to her.

Encourage her to talk. This can be harder than you think. The aim of listening is to find out what she wants and needs, by giving her your full attention. Your advice or opinion may not help her. You may wonder whether to believe the things she says, but she is not making it up. She has probably kept this a painful secret for a long time, and now she has been brave enough to tell you. She must feel you are a special person, someone she can trust, so don't spread her secret around by telling her classmates or other friends. Listen to what she wants to do about her problem and support her to do those things. You are helping her to gain some control over her life. Until now, the man who's been abusing her has had control, by making her confused and unhappy. She had no choice about what he did to her, so don't be disgusted and don't blame her. Whatever the situation, it is not her fault. Sexual abuse is violence, but the hurts don't show like the bruises you get if somebody beats you up. The pain is deep inside and it affects girls and boys in different ways: some get very quiet and can't concentrate on their work; others are stroppy and rebellious. Your friend might think she's a bad person because of what this man has done to her. Reassure her that it was not her fault, and that you are still her friend.

As well as showing that you care about her, you can tell her what can be done practically to stop the abuse. She needs to get in touch with someone who knows what to do. You can help her decide who would be the best person to talk it over with.

It may be a teacher you both trust, or an adult she knows well and likes. She can talk to a woman at a Centre Against Sexual Assault, who can give her support and information over the phone.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 11 Jul 2003