Feelings

Home: K to 12: For Teenagers: Information for teenage boys

Some feelings and how to handle them.

Fear

Boys and young men are taught that to feel scared is weak and so they are forced to cover up fear. The best way to cope with feeling afraid is to tell someone. Then you can begin to deal with exactly what frightens you.

All children and young people who have been sexually assaulted feel afraid. As you get older it becomes harder to tell people that you are frightened but this does not mean you are not allowed to feel fear. Everyone feels scared especially if they have been hurt. It is a normal reaction and helps us to protect ourselves.

The problem is not feeling scared but admitting it. You will find that telling someone that you feel scared makes you feel stronger. You may feel scared:

• that the offender will come after you. He may have threatened you with something if you told.
• when you have sexual feelings.
• that you might become a sexual offender.
• of men.
• that people will treat you differently if they know you have been assaulted.
• if you have to go to the police or court.

Guilt

Feeling guilty is what most people who have been sexually assaulted experience. They feel it must have been their fault or that they should have told earlier or that they should have fought the offender or that they should not have had a sexual response or they should not have taken the drink.

Feeling guilty protects you from the fact that there was little you could have done to prevent what happened. When someone older and more powerful than you is intent on harming you there is little you can do and that is a worse feeling than guilt. Often you are being sexually assaulted before you realise what is happening whereas the offender has plotted for a while before he assaults you. It is impossible to predict how other people will behave.

The guilt needs to be put back where it belongs, with the offender who has committed very serious crimes against you. He makes you feel guilty to protect himself. You can fight back by refusing to accept the blame. NOTHING you did, said, thought or felt made the offender assault you. He chose to commit the crimes, NOT you.

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Shame

All kids who have been assaulted feel ashamed. It's a horrible feeling and affects every aspect of your life. You fear people knowing because you think they will judge you or react differently to you. You may feel disgusted or disgusting and expect other people to be disgusted too. The only disgusting person is the offender. What THEY did was disgusting not what you did. Some people who do not understand may react badly but that is their problem not yours. The shame is made worse because it involves sexual matters which are taboo in our society but sexual assault is not the same as sex which happens between two people who agree to have sexual contact.

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Sadness

Feeling sad is normal when you have been sexually assaulted. You may feel sad for no apparent reason or you may feel sad because the offender is someone you care about. When you tell someone about the assaults it can feel like you are losing the offender who may be someone you love. You may feel sad because it feels like you have lost something or because you feel scared and angry. You may feel sad because of the effects on other people in your family. You may feel unhappy because you feel that it was your fault and you feel bad about yourself. Most of all you are likely to find it hard to be sad. Boys are given very clear messages about not showing sadness. Boys learn that they are not allowed to cry or be hurt and if they do they are told they are un-masculine. In fact, showing your feelings is one of the bravest things you can do.

You will not feel sad forever if you can find a way to express your sadness. Once you can talk about your feelings, or draw or write about them, it will be easier to put it behind you. Boys and men do have feelings. They are NOT a sign of weakness. They are normal and necessary parts of being human.

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Anger

Anger is a healthy and normal reaction to being hurt. You would feel angry if someone you cared about was mistreated too. The difficulty is that anger can feel overwhelming and seem to take you over. The other difficulty is that we are taught to control our anger which can mean that it gets turned inward and we can start doing things that hurt ourselves. Boys are particularly taught that they should not express anger. The trick is to express your anger in ways that do not hurt yourself or other people and to direct your anger at the offender. This can be hard if the offender is someone you love but it is possible to hate what someone has done but still care about them. You can find ways to get rid of your anger that really do make you feel better eg writing a letter to the offender (not to post), drawing angry pictures, shooting hoops or running laps, going to the gym or doing self defence/tai chi, punching a cushion/punching bag or throwing darts. Some of these can also be fun. You can ask someone close to you to help find ways of expressing your anger. Most importantly you need to avoid doing things that punish yourself.

YOU do not deserve to be punished.

Sometimes kids who have experienced sexual assault start to do damaging things to themselves because they are in pain and because they feel angry/ashamed/scared. They start to take risks with cars/drugs/sex/alcohol. They may think about suicide or hurting other people. If you are doing this you need to think about how the sexual assault is linked to your feelings and behaviour.

Many boys think a lot about revenge. They think that if they were really strong they would seek revenge on the offender. It is normal to feel that way but it can also get you into trouble and take your energy away from coping with all your other feelings. Sometimes it is a way of covering up how frightened you feel. The best revenge is not to let the offender take over your head.

Boys are taught not to show their feelings. They are again led to believe that to do so makes them weak. In fact it is a sign of strength to discuss how you feel and it makes you feel stronger. Choose someone you feel safe with to talk to. This could be a friend or a parent or sibling or a counsellor. You will not feel better overnight. It may take some time and it will be difficult but it is easier than trying not to feel anything. The difficult feelings will not last forever especially if you release them.

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Disclaimer Copyright Updated: 16 Nov 2009